If you’re a parent, you’ve likely heard the phrase, “Pick your battles.” Typically, it’s the young, new parents who are told this by well-meaning and more experienced parents who have gone before them.

I definitely heard it when my girls were young. Especially after describing how my daughters wished to declare their independence by wearing mismatched clothing to daycare or by refusing to allow me to brush their tangled, bed-rumpled hair.

I had quite a learning curve figuring out how to “let go” and be okay with their less-than-perfect looks. It was difficult since I had been a long-time perfectionist who believed their appearance reflected poorly on me and my parenting. It was not easy to learn; but learn it, I did. And good thing, too.

Now, as my daughters are getting older, it seems the stakes are getting higher, and they’ll only continue to do so.

A must with strong-willed children

Picking your battles is especially important for parents of strong-willed children. The strong wills cause them to go head-to-head on more issues than other children. They tend to be more argumentative and defiant by nature. Rather than fighting about everything under the sun, parents have to choose which issues matter, and which don’t.

That’s been our experience with one of our daughters. So when she recently asked if she could dye a bit of her hair teal, we had to decide if this should be a battle or not.

While I’m sure some will not agree with our decision to allow the teal hair, I want to share how we reached the conclusion to permit it. If it helps one family, it will have been worth sharing.

I also should mention that we consulted the great work of Dr. James Dobson in his recently revised book, The New Strong-Willed Child. I freely admit that parenting is difficult, therefore, I have no trouble deferring to experts for advice and guidance. After all, we want to get it right. These little people are quite special to us.

Dr. Dobson says parents should approach strong-willed children with a balance of Love and Control and should steer away from becoming angry, oppressive tyrants, or the opposite: passive, permissive, and disengaged parents.

His advice helped us to reach our decision this way:

1. Show love and acceptance by sharing our beliefs
2. Put controls in place
3. Allow something harmless, fun and temporary

Show love and acceptance by sharing our beliefs

The very first thing we said when the topic came up was, “You’re beautiful just the way you are. You don’t need to enhance your natural beauty by dying your hair.” Our daughter understood that, but still wanted teal streaks in her hair.

Then we reinforced what we’ve already been telling her for years, “God made you in His image. You do not need to change how He made you.” She understood that, too. Still, the hair dye question was not going away.

That’s when I knew we were either headed for a fight or my husband and I could decide to go her way a bit.

Put controls in place

We had shown love, so now it was time for control. We decided to move forward but do so with controls in place that would be agreed upon by both parties in advance.

First, we told her we’d allow the teal streaks only if she agreed it would be temporary (approximately 3-4 weeks). This was not something permanent we were allowing her to do.

Second, we told her we wanted it to look as good as it possibly could and be done well; therefore, we’d take her to a professional hairstylist to have it dyed. (As another bonus, this would mean we wouldn’t have the mess in the upstairs bathroom from a do-it-yourself YouTube-video tutorial. I was certain that wouldn’t end well at all.)

Allow something harmless, fun and temporary

Lastly, we acknowledged that we are raising a strong-willed, fiercely-independent child who is expressive, creative and fun-loving. In order to not be viewed in her eyes as tyrants who won’t allow her to try new things, we decided to allow it within the boundaries stated above.

My long-term hope is that our daughter will not feel the need to rebel from oppressive rules and limitations if we proactively give her freedom within boundaries. Driving her away is the last thing we’d want to do.

So, our last bit of reasoning in our decision making sounded like this: she’s an innocent child to whom the hair dye is harmless and fun. We can live with it — especially since it’s temporary.

In the end

By deciding this wasn’t a battle worth fighting, we avoided a knock-down, drag-out fight. But more importantly, we had meaningful and respectful conversations with our daughter in which we were able to explicitly share our values and beliefs with her.

Also, we’re enjoying the sweetness of being “the cool parents” for as long as that will last. Don’t get me wrong, I’m far more interested in being a parent than a friend to my children. Nonetheless, it’s quite wonderful when they’re grateful for, and excited about, the decisions you’re allowing them to make and the new freedoms you’re giving them as they age.

She absolutely loves her new look and can’t stop thanking us for allowing her the freedom to do it. And, truthfully, I like it, too. It’s very tastefully done and does bring out her fun, creative side.

None of us, as parents, have a crystal ball to know how our story will end. All we can do is try to make the right decisions in the moment when faced with hard choices.

In my parenting, I’m intentionally trying to strike the right balance of Love and Control, like Dr. Dobson writes about, and lovingly give freedom within boundaries. It’s there that I think kids can thrive.

What about you?

Do you struggle to pick your battles with your kids? Have you had some battles you chose not to fight? Or do you have an example of a time you were able to strike the perfect balance of Love and Control? As always, I’d love to hear from you.

Yours intentionally, Amanda