Category Archives: Christian Faith

A Day to Remember on the Farm

It’s amazing when a plan comes together and goes better than you imagined. That’s what happened this past Sunday, March 19, 2023, when firefighters from three nearby areas came to our farm and executed a controlled burn on one of the two houses. In less than two hours, it completely burned to the ground, yet the planning and preparation had been in the works for 4 ½ years, since the Fall of 2017.

You may wonder why we would demolish a home, especially one that:

  • Was a landmark on our historic farm and rich in history 
  • Was my husband’s childhood home 
  • Served as a temporary home to our family from June – October 2021, while we waited for the remodel next door to be complete 

Let me explain

My husband’s family farm is nearly 200 years old. It has been passed down from father to son for six generations. During those generations, several homes were constructed on the property.

The original home was a log cabin. Then in 1854, the home we’re talking about was built (pictured below in 1910). It was the home of my husband Tom’s great-great-great-grandfather.

Later, in 1911, Tom’s great-grandfather built another house on the property right next door — the home we remodeled and restored in 2021 and live in now. 

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Living on the farm: 5 weeks in!

Why would we do such a thing?

Just over a month ago, my daughters and I moved out of state, out of our comfortable in-town living, and began a new life in the country on a farm. Homesteading, I think, is the official term for what we’re doing. Wow, what a change!

Thankfully, the farm wasn’t foreign to us. It’s been in my husband’s family for multiple generations, and we visited often since the girls were born to see their grandpa. Once my father-in-law passed and my husband inherited the farm, along with his identical twin brother, our visits became more frequent and longer. 

L to R: my brother-in-law, the girls and I, and my husband. Plus our Black Labs.

Still, visiting a farm and living on a farm are quite different. Especially a farm that needs a ton of work and rejuvenation.

We’re demolishing out-buildings, tearing out rotted fences, taking down dead trees, saving for and scheduling a barn-roof repair, restoring and fixing up tractors, and remodeling one of the two farmhouses. (And when I say “we,” I mostly mean: my husband, his brother, and a whole slew of people we’ve hired to do this, that, and the other thing.) The girls and I help when we can, but much of the work is either on a grand scale or requires specialized skills. 

In the meantime, we’re living in the older of the two houses, which is where my husband grew up while his grandparents lived next door. The oldest farmhouse, built in 1854 by a local builder, while neat in its own right, is a place to stay but one that offers very few amenities. We’re living without central air — in June, July & August. We’re without a dishwasher and have no oven or stove — which I can tell you makes meal planning way more difficult. We also have 5 people in the house and only 1 teeny-tiny bathroom.  Also, I’ll spare you the dramatic story,  but we had a bat flying around our living space recently at bedtime, which was a definite first for me. 

Our temporary housing
Our temporary housing

Continue reading Living on the farm: 5 weeks in!

The 5 Ps of Intentional Parenting

We were driving through town with the windows rolled down, and the three of us belly-laughed for about the fifth time in only a few minutes. My two daughters and I were spending a sunny afternoon running errands together.

After the laughter subsided, my oldest said, “Something’s different lately. You seem happier, and you aren’t yelling at us as much. What changed?”

“Hmm. I don’t know…” I said.

But I did know, and a little grin spread across my face as a warm feeling grew inside my heart. The truth was, I’d been working to improve myself in order to improve my relationships. Apparently, it was working and being noticed, which was extremely rewarding.

I’ve been spending time focusing on what I’ll refer to here as the 5 Ps of Intentional Parenting:

  • Pray
  • Play
  • Praise
  • Protect
  • Prepare

Quick history

Before I explain, let me take you back to 2017 & 2018. I found myself extremely unhappy with several relationships in my life. I sought counseling to help me manage and cope. At the time, I learned several helpful strategies that immensely improved my relationships because of changes I made within myself – in my heart and in my head.

But lately, I had reverted back to some old habits and old ways of thinking. I had forgotten to apply the strategies, and it was beginning to show – big time.

In my parenting, I felt angry, frustrated, and disconnected from my kids more often than I liked. I knew they felt it, too. It was showing up in how often I scolded and bossed rather than instructed or asked. How I reacted rather than responded. How I was quicker to shoe them off than pull them close. This started to really bother me, and I knew it was time to work on myself – again.

In doing so, I came up with these 5 Ps of Intentional Parenting. When I reflect on what I want to be as a parent and what my kids need me to be as a mom, these 5 Ps sum it up. If you’re a parent wanting to be more intentional with your kids and wondering how, let me encourage you to start here.

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Shifting Focus

Has this ever happened to you: You set out determined to do one thing and pretty soon you realize God had something else in mind for you? It recently happened to me, and it’s been an eye-opening experience.

It’s no secret that I try to live intentionally, so at the beginning of 2020, I set a one-word intention for the year. This is becoming quite a popular thing to do; many are choosing to set intentions rather than resolutions since resolutions have a bad rap for not lasting more than a few days.

What word did I choose for 2020? The word FOCUS.

Here’s why. I had set pretty big goals for myself in 2019 and worked hard to achieve them. Having made some awesome progress, I decided to buckle down and set out to achieve even more. My thought was simply that I needed additional focus. I thought if I could just zoom in and get really clear about my goals, I’d make forward progress. I would use the word FOCUS to remind myself to stay the course, avoid distraction, and not be derailed.

My one-word intention for 2020.

I also created a vision board for 2020 and have it displayed in my bathroom where I can see it every morning and night. As I’ve been focusing on its six categories and the images intended to inspire me to achieve those goals, I remind myself to work towards them and put in the effort to make them a reality.

But here’s the funny thing… it’s now mid-February, and I believe the word FOCUS is being laid on my heart in a very new and different way. It’s as if God is revealing to me what 2020 is really going to be about despite what I had in mind.

I believe God is shifting my focus.

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Form the Habit of Reflection

Taking time for reflection is a key to learning. In business, Lessons Learned Meetings are held – or in an Agile business environment they’re called Retrospective Meetings – in which a team reflects on what went well, what could have been handled better/differently, and what was learned. In the military, After Action Reviews are used, in which there is reflection on what happened, why it happened, and what could have been handled better/differently. Regardless of the setting and the specific questions, the premise is the same: reflection leads to improvement, learning and growth.

But I don’t want to talk about business or the military, I want to talk about our personal lives. I started thinking, why can’t we adopt the same behaviors in our homes and family situations? And, of course, we can! It’s truly a habit we should form; a practice we should adopt.

Speaker, author and leadership coach John Maxwell is a huge proponent and advocate for this. In fact, he takes time for personal reflection every day! He reflects on how he intentionally added value to others on a daily basis. That’s something to aspire to; I’m not there yet.

I do, however, like the idea of creating a habit in which we periodically, purposefully slow down and reflect. According to John Maxwell, “Reflection is an intentional stoppage, a deliberate habit that must be cultivated.” I completely agree. If we just keep plowing forward without looking back, we will miss important lessons and growth opportunities.

“Reflection is an intentional stoppage, a deliberate habit that must be cultivated.” — John Maxwell

When should we reflect?

There are natural times when reflection is more top of mind; for example, at year end or when creating New Year’s Resolutions. But we can also make time following traumatic events, stressful periods, or times of transition and change in our lives.

I just came through a pretty trying 40-day period (late Sept. to end of Oct.), which is why I recently spent time reflecting. Now that I’m on the other side, I can look back and think about what went well, what I could have handled better or done differently, and what I learned. The transferrable lesson here is that YOU can do the same.

Let me share my experience so you can begin to contemplate how you might apply reflection to your situation.

My experience

In a recent 40-day period:

  • I was informed of organizational restructuring that affected my job.
  • I had a death in the family, losing an aunt I was close with, and
  • I was studying for a professional certification, which required much of my time and attention.

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Asking for Help Can Be Life Changing

In today’s society, we like to pretend we’ve got life all figured out. We put on a happy face to mask our problems. We appear on the outside as being “put together” though inside we have our struggles. We post images of ourselves and our families on social media that show us at our very best, presenting our good sides and leaving the bad and the ugly hidden from the world.

But the truth is, nobody has it all figured out. We’re all just doing the best we can with the same limited resources – time, money and energy. So what’s the answer? I think we all need to get better at simply asking for help.

Asking for help from others

This is not easy – especially for those who don’t want to appear needy or be seen as dependent on others. However, I’ve come to realize we’ve just got to get over that. A little help from a friend can make a tremendous difference. Let me give you an example from my own life.

My husband works 7am-3pm and leaves the house by 6:30 each morning. He’s worked this shift since before our two kids were born. I start work after 8am, so it’s been my responsibility to get the kids ready for school and drive them across town before I head to the office. The mornings have always been hectic and one of my least favorite parts of the day.

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The 3 Best Times for Connection with Kids

I grew up in a household where open conversation and dialogue was welcomed. It was how we established trust and a deep sense of unconditional love, acceptance and belonging. My parents welcomed questions and conversations about the hard stuff and the big stuff, but they showed a genuine interest in the little stuff of everyday life, too – and that’s where true connection happens with kids.

Times have changed, and we now live in a digital world in which it often feels like everyone in the household (no matter the age) is behind a screen and uninterested in engaging in conversation. Though it seems that way, that couldn’t be further from the truth. People are still interested in connecting; we just have to be more intentional about making it happen.

From my experience

I’ve found 3 times that are best for true connection with my kids. Times when no screens are present and open conversation and dialogue occur freely and naturally. I welcome these times because I, like my parents, want to let my kids know we have a relationship of trust, they are loved unconditionally, they are accepted, and they belong.

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Creating Space Can Save Relationships & Your Sanity

With the end of the school year fast-approaching and daily routines  changing, you might think I’m talking about creating space in your schedule. The idea of becoming less busy so you have time to focus on the things that really matter; you know, creating “white space” or “margins” as some have coined it. While I think that’s good and valuable, that actually isn’t what this post is about. Rather, the “space” I’m talking about creating is more of a pause – and one that truly can save your relationships and your sanity.

I’ve been learning and reading about this space, or pause, from several sources lately. If you’re a loyal reader, you know I have a passion for sharing what I’ve learned with others in an effort to help them create the lives they want and live more intentionally. So, let me explain what I’ve been learning about “space” in terms of a pause that truly can improve your mental state and your relationships.

Emotional Intelligence – Intercepting thoughts & emotions

Emotional Intelligence 2.0
Emotional Intelligence 2.0

I recently read Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves. I also completed training and a self-assessment on the topic to determine my aptitude, or EQ (emotional quotient); similar to how we all have an IQ (intelligence quotient).

The book and the training were both fabulous and helpful. I highly recommend them. What stuck with me the most was how the Emotional Intelligence gurus explained a natural chain of events that occurs often for all of us. It looks like this:

Event/Trigger >> Thoughts/Emotions >> Reaction/Response

When an event or trigger occurs, you’ll experience thoughts and emotions, which will then cause a reaction or response from you. This chain of events sometimes leaves us feeling powerless and controlled by our thoughts and emotions.

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Pick Your Battles

If you’re a parent, you’ve likely heard the phrase, “Pick your battles.” Typically, it’s the young, new parents who are told this by well-meaning and more experienced parents who have gone before them.

I definitely heard it when my girls were young. Especially after describing how my daughters wished to declare their independence by wearing mismatched clothing to daycare or by refusing to allow me to brush their tangled, bed-rumpled hair.

I had quite a learning curve figuring out how to “let go” and be okay with their less-than-perfect looks. It was difficult since I had been a long-time perfectionist who believed their appearance reflected poorly on me and my parenting. It was not easy to learn; but learn it, I did. And good thing, too.

Now, as my daughters are getting older, it seems the stakes are getting higher, and they’ll only continue to do so.

A must with strong-willed children

Picking your battles is especially important for parents of strong-willed children. The strong wills cause them to go head-to-head on more issues than other children. They tend to be more argumentative and defiant by nature. Rather than fighting about everything under the sun, parents have to choose which issues matter, and which don’t.

That’s been our experience with one of our daughters. So when she recently asked if she could dye a bit of her hair teal, we had to decide if this should be a battle or not.

While I’m sure some will not agree with our decision to allow the teal hair, I want to share how we reached the conclusion to permit it. If it helps one family, it will have been worth sharing.

I also should mention that we consulted the great work of Dr. James Dobson in his recently revised book, The New Strong-Willed Child. I freely admit that parenting is difficult, therefore, I have no trouble deferring to experts for advice and guidance. After all, we want to get it right. These little people are quite special to us.

The New Strong-Willed Child
The New Strong-Willed Child by Dr. James Dobson

Dr. Dobson says parents should approach strong-willed children with a balance of Love and Control and should steer away from becoming angry, oppressive tyrants, or the opposite: passive, permissive, and disengaged parents.

His advice helped us to reach our decision this way:

  1. Show love and acceptance by sharing our beliefs
  2. Put controls in place
  3. Allow something harmless, fun and temporary

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Do What Scares You – Here’s How

Scrolling through my Facebook feed, I saw this quote: “Do what scares you.” I stopped to reflect on the advice. It resonated with me because I’m on the verge of doing something new, something exciting, yet something a little scary for me.

Let’s face it, any unknowns in our lives can be scary. Fear of the unknown is a very real thing. I’m sure you experience it from time to time, too. Yet, to live an intentional life in which we make things happen for ourselves, and we create opportunities, we mustn’t let fear hold us back.

To be clear, I’m not talking about skydiving, mountain climbing, or hang gliding — unless you feel passionately you need to do those things. I’m talking more about applying for that new job, starting your own business, calling that specific someone for a date, taking on a stretch assignment at work, or having difficult conversations with your children, spouse, or coworkers. Basically, those things of everyday life that have the power to paralyze us.

So what are we to do? How do we overcome our fear?

3 Steps to Overcoming Fear:

I think there are 3 things we can do; and believe me, I’m taking my own advice here.

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