Category Archives: Counseling

Christian Faith, Counseling, Parenting and Motherhood, Personal Goals

The 5 Ps of Intentional Parenting

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We were driving through town with the windows rolled down, and the three of us belly-laughed for about the fifth time in only a few minutes. My two daughters and I were spending a sunny afternoon running errands together.

After the laughter subsided, my oldest said, “Something’s different lately. You seem happier, and you aren’t yelling at us as much. What changed?”

“Hmm. I don’t know…” I said.

But I did know, and a little grin spread across my face as a warm feeling grew inside my heart. The truth was, I’d been working to improve myself in order to improve my relationships. Apparently, it was working and being noticed, which was extremely rewarding.

I’ve been spending time focusing on what I’ll refer to here as the 5 Ps of Intentional Parenting:

  • Pray
  • Play
  • Praise
  • Protect
  • Prepare

Quick history

Before I explain, let me take you back to 2017 & 2018. I found myself extremely unhappy with several relationships in my life. I sought counseling to help me manage and cope. At the time, I learned several helpful strategies that immensely improved my relationships because of changes I made within myself – in my heart and in my head.

But lately, I had reverted back to some old habits and old ways of thinking. I had forgotten to apply the strategies, and it was beginning to show – big time.

In my parenting, I felt angry, frustrated, and disconnected from my kids more often than I liked. I knew they felt it, too. It was showing up in how often I scolded and bossed rather than instructed or asked. How I reacted rather than responded. How I was quicker to shoe them off than pull them close. This started to really bother me, and I knew it was time to work on myself – again.

In doing so, I came up with these 5 Ps of Intentional Parenting. When I reflect on what I want to be as a parent and what my kids need me to be as a mom, these 5 Ps sum it up. If you’re a parent wanting to be more intentional with your kids and wondering how, let me encourage you to start here.

Continue reading The 5 Ps of Intentional Parenting →

Christian Faith, Counseling, Marriage and Relationships, Mindfulness, Motivation, Parenting and Motherhood

Asking for Help Can Be Life Changing

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In today’s society, we like to pretend we’ve got life all figured out. We put on a happy face to mask our problems. We appear on the outside as being “put together” though inside we have our struggles. We post images of ourselves and our families on social media that show us at our very best, presenting our good sides and leaving the bad and the ugly hidden from the world.

But the truth is, nobody has it all figured out. We’re all just doing the best we can with the same limited resources – time, money and energy. So what’s the answer? I think we all need to get better at simply asking for help.

Asking for help from others

This is not easy – especially for those who don’t want to appear needy or be seen as dependent on others. However, I’ve come to realize we’ve just got to get over that. A little help from a friend can make a tremendous difference. Let me give you an example from my own life.

My husband works 7am-3pm and leaves the house by 6:30 each morning. He’s worked this shift since before our two kids were born. I start work after 8am, so it’s been my responsibility to get the kids ready for school and drive them across town before I head to the office. The mornings have always been hectic and one of my least favorite parts of the day.

Continue reading Asking for Help Can Be Life Changing →

Christian Faith, Counseling, Marriage and Relationships, Mindfulness, Parenting and Motherhood, Work Life and Career

Creating Space Can Save Relationships & Your Sanity

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With the end of the school year fast-approaching and daily routines  changing, you might think I’m talking about creating space in your schedule. The idea of becoming less busy so you have time to focus on the things that really matter; you know, creating “white space” or “margins” as some have coined it. While I think that’s good and valuable, that actually isn’t what this post is about. Rather, the “space” I’m talking about creating is more of a pause – and one that truly can save your relationships and your sanity.

I’ve been learning and reading about this space, or pause, from several sources lately. If you’re a loyal reader, you know I have a passion for sharing what I’ve learned with others in an effort to help them create the lives they want and live more intentionally. So, let me explain what I’ve been learning about “space” in terms of a pause that truly can improve your mental state and your relationships.

Emotional Intelligence – Intercepting thoughts & emotions

Emotional Intelligence 2.0
Emotional Intelligence 2.0

I recently read Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves. I also completed training and a self-assessment on the topic to determine my aptitude, or EQ (emotional quotient); similar to how we all have an IQ (intelligence quotient).

The book and the training were both fabulous and helpful. I highly recommend them. What stuck with me the most was how the Emotional Intelligence gurus explained a natural chain of events that occurs often for all of us. It looks like this:

Event/Trigger >> Thoughts/Emotions >> Reaction/Response

When an event or trigger occurs, you’ll experience thoughts and emotions, which will then cause a reaction or response from you. This chain of events sometimes leaves us feeling powerless and controlled by our thoughts and emotions.

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Christian Faith, Counseling, Parenting and Motherhood

One Truth I Wish I Learned Sooner

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Have you ever considered what you’d say if you had the ability to write a letter to your younger self? It’s an ‘If I’d known then what I know now’ concept that’s interesting to ponder.

It crossed my mind today while driving in my car. On the radio, I heard the song: Dear Younger Me by MercyMe. In it, the singer imagines writing a letter to himself when he was younger. He dreams of giving himself an advantage in life by teaching valuable lessons without having to experience any of the pain he went through. He envisions sharing wisdom to help him avoid mistakes and keep him from making the wrong choices.

It made me pause to consider what I would tell my younger self if given the opportunity. Surprisingly, in just a few short minutes, the answer was crystal clear to me. It centered around the idea of perfection.

The lie I believed & the truth I found

I could have saved myself a lot of pain if I had recognized much earlier in life that no one is perfect, and therefore, I don’t have to be perfect either.

You see, I grew up believing a lie. The lie was:

My value and self-worth = My performance + The opinion of others

When in reality, the truth is:

My value and self-worth comes from God. He knows I’m not perfect and loves me anyway. He made us all human and none of us are perfect.

Oh, the pain I could have saved myself if I had recognized this sooner. Oh, the freedom that would have come with not caring so much what others thought of me. If only I’d had the ability to try things without the fear of failing or even the fear of simply not doing as well as others.

I was in my mid-30s before I truly understood God’s love for me in this way and grasped that my value comes from Him alone.

When I was seeing a counselor in 2017, I worked through a book called Conquering

My workbook while going through counseling

Codependency – A Christ-Centered 12-Step Process by Pat Springle. It was this book that helped me realize the lie I was believing about performance-based value. It taught me to replace the lie with the truth of God’s love for me.

If only, but what’s done is done.

As I drove on, I snapped out of my reflective daydream. “If only…” I thought. “But I can’t change the past and write a letter to myself. What’s done is done.”

Then another truth hit me.

I don’t have the power to change the past, but I do have the power to influence the future.

Continue reading One Truth I Wish I Learned Sooner →

Christian Faith, Counseling, Marriage and Relationships

7 Powerful Words

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And 2 Suggestions

“I will with the help of God.” Strung together, those 7 words are powerful.

The phrase reminds me of the Bible verse in Philippians 4:13 that says, “I can do all things who Christ who strengthens me.” Both are so full of hope. They provide courage to move forward when the future is uncertain. When the next steps seem daunting and too overwhelming to face alone.

Why I love those words

I have a personal love for this particular 7-word phrase because it was part of our wedding vows. Tom and I celebrated our 12th anniversary of marriage this month, causing me to reflect on the many wonderful memories I have of our beautiful winter wedding in Michigan.

We had the traditional vows that included “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health….” But rather than saying “I do,” we were asked to say “I will with the help of God.”

The phrase was so fitting for us. It was (and is) foundational to our relationship. We recognized then (and still do) that we’d need God’s help to fully love, honor and cherish one another all the days of our lives.

During our pre-marital counseling at our church, we learned to put Christ at the center of our relationship. An image of a triangle depicted that the closer we grew to Christ, the closer we’d grow to one another, and that’s absolutely proven true.

Growing closer to God helps you and your spouse grow closer to one another.

Those 7 words are a powerful reminder to me that God is a constant help whenever I need Him, and He makes things possible.

Marriage isn’t easy

Marriage isn’t easy, and it’s increasingly difficult when we rely solely on our own strength; when we have only a human perspective. Twelve years have confirmed that Tom and I are not perfect. We’ve had enough life experience together to have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly of one another. We’ve said things we wish we could take back, and we’ve not always been as loving, honoring and cherishing as we had hoped. We’ve had selfish days, and ups and downs as all marriages do, but we aren’t ready or willing to walk away when difficult situations arise.  Continue reading 7 Powerful Words →

Counseling, Marriage and Relationships, Personal Goals

4 Tips to Excellent Communication in Marriage

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Though I’m not a marriage expert, I’m in a great marriage and learning along the way. (This month, Tom and I will celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary!) One might consider me an expert in communications since I do have a degree in it and have spent the

Picture of our hands over our bouquet of flowers on our wedding day.
Our hands and rings over our bouquet of flowers on our wedding day. Photo Credit: Holly Frey Photography

majority of my professional career working in that particular field; however, I admit to still having much to learn. Putting these 2 things together – marriage and communication – I want to offer you 4 tips to excellent communication in marriage (or other relationships).

But first, a quick story

The other day, Tom received some disheartening news. He shared it with me when I got home from work. It was disheartening for me to hear as well.  We both experienced a myriad of emotions upon learning the news and both needed to process it and work through it.

The ‘what’ doesn’t matter here, but it’s important to note that the news wasn’t the kind that would cause a fight or argument; it was simply the kind that required common understanding and decisions about next steps.

We sat through a quiet dinner in which our daughters carried the conversation between themselves while we continued our own internal processing.

After dinner, we were ready to talk. We sat down and began working through what we were thinking and feeling. That lasted 2 full hours. Through it, we came to a place of contentment and peace, and in the end, we both felt better.

Upon reflection, I was able to see what we did well in those 2 hours that led to a positive resolution of our feelings, though the news hadn’t changed.

Here’s what we did and what you can do, too, in your own relationships: Continue reading 4 Tips to Excellent Communication in Marriage →

Christian Faith, Counseling, Marriage and Relationships

Intentionally Seeking God

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And His Way of Doing Relationships

If ever you’ve wondered whether God moves in your life, know that He does. It may require work on your part and a willingness to pay attention in order to see it, but He absolutely does – especially when you intentionally seek Him.

How do I know? Let me take you back to Sept. 2004, when Dr. Gary Smalley, Christian speaker and author, was scheduled to attend NorthRidge Church in Plymouth, Michigan to conduct a seminar about his book The DNA of Relationships.

It was there that my husband (Tom) and I met for the first time. A meeting we believe to be God ordained.

The setup

Tom had attended NorthRidge for a while – before I started attending – but had quit going to the mega-church because it felt so large and overwhelming. Then one day, while driving in his pickup, a radio advertisement announced a one-day seminar the church was hosting called, The DNA of Relationships. Tom thought, “What the heck, I’ll get two tickets and see if my brother, Jim, wants to go with me.” So, he did.

Meanwhile, I had just recently started attending the church and heard an announcement for the same one-day seminar during the Sunday services. I thought, “That sounds good. I’ll get two tickets and see if my boyfriend, John, wants to go with me.”

As that Saturday, Sept. 11, 2004, approached, Jim had shown no interest in wanting to go with Tom, and John had decided to break up with me after nine months of dating. So, Tom went alone to the seminar, and so did I. Coincidence? We think not. 

Continue reading Intentionally Seeking God →
Christian Faith, Counseling, Marriage and Relationships

Crying Out to God

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Everyone Who Asks Receives

Have you ever had one of those moments when you didn’t know which way was up, or where to turn, and out of desperation for help you literally cried out to God?

I’ve had two of those in my life. The first one, I’ll tell you about now. It was a turning point for me.

I was 23 years old and in a relationship with a great guy. Only three months into dating, I was in love. I remember telling my sister and a close friend that he was “the one.” I loved him, and I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him.

By five months, he told me he loved me, and I said it back to him for the first time. This was the real deal and was becoming serious.

Then, at the eight-month mark, after spending the day together shopping and running errands, we got back to my apartment, parked the car, and he turned to me and said, “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

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Christian Faith, Counseling, Marriage and Relationships

Intentionally Study Your Spouse

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It Could Save Your Marriage

If you’ve seen the movie Fireproof, starring Kirk Cameron as Caleb Holt, you know it’s about a firefighter whose marriage is rocky and headed towards divorce. Just when all hope seems lost, Caleb’s dad gives him a book called The Love Dare to work through for 40 days in an attempt to save the marriage. The Love Dare provides Bible verses, opportunities for prayer and intentional actions to do each day to show love to a spouse. Caleb takes the challenge on, though begrudgingly, and finds his love for his wife, Katherine, returning as his heart becomes less hardened.

I like the movie for several reasons, including how it promotes faith in Jesus Christ and suggests that everyone can benefit from counseling. But also, as you’d expect, I love the intentional actions that The Love Dare asks Caleb to complete. As he proceeds through the 40 days, the actions grow increasingly more difficult – from avoiding saying negative words to his wife, showing her a nice gesture, such as making her coffee, and buying something that shows he was thinking of her, all the way to praying for her, listening to her, and studying her.

It’s the studying her that caught my attention.

Continue reading Intentionally Study Your Spouse →

Christian Faith, Counseling

My Journey of Intentional Self-Reflection

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…and My Book Cover

That picture there is of the cover of my book. It’s not published (yet) — it’s a work in progress — but it’s a definite goal of mine. More on that in a second.

Book cover

Most of us are familiar with the song Michael Jackson made famous titled: Man in the Mirror. But have you ever truly paid attention to the words? They struck a chord with me when my journey of self-discovery started rather unexpectedly, and out of necessity, in late 2016. First, read the lyrics. Then, let me explain…

Continue reading My Journey of Intentional Self-Reflection →