With the end of the school year fast-approaching and daily routines  changing, you might think I’m talking about creating space in your schedule. The idea of becoming less busy so you have time to focus on the things that really matter; you know, creating “white space” or “margins” as some have coined it. While I think that’s good and valuable, that actually isn’t what this post is about. Rather, the “space” I’m talking about creating is more of a pause – and one that truly can save your relationships and your sanity.

I’ve been learning and reading about this space, or pause, from several sources lately. If you’re a loyal reader, you know I have a passion for sharing what I’ve learned with others in an effort to help them create the lives they want and live more intentionally. So, let me explain what I’ve been learning about “space” in terms of a pause that truly can improve your mental state and your relationships.

Emotional Intelligence – Intercepting thoughts & emotions

I recently read Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves. I also completed training and a self-assessment on the topic to determine my aptitude, or EQ (emotional quotient); similar to how we all have an IQ (intelligence quotient).

The book and the training were both fabulous and helpful. I highly recommend them. What stuck with me the most was how the Emotional Intelligence gurus explained a natural chain of events that occurs often for all of us. It looks like this:

Event/Trigger >> Thoughts/Emotions >> Reaction/Response

When an event or trigger occurs, you’ll experience thoughts and emotions, which will then cause a reaction or response from you. This chain of events sometimes leaves us feeling powerless and controlled by our thoughts and emotions.

As an easy example, let’s say you come home from work and your kids have left shoes and backpacks all over the floor, and they had their afterschool snacks, which is evident by the wrappers and crumbs they left behind. If messes are a trigger for you, you might think “What a mess! They’ve done it again! Am I the only one who knows how to pick up around here? Why can’t they be more responsible? Why should I have to pick this up?!”

Your upset, accusatory thoughts and emotions cause you to react in anger practically taking your kids’ heads off when they come into the kitchen to welcome you home. (Insert Mom guilt once you’ve had a chance to calm down, the place is picked up, and your trigger [the mess] has been removed.) Been there, done that.

Let’s break it down

The power we seek lies in Emotional Intelligence, a key part of which is self-awareness. If we become aware of our triggers, we can learn to recognize them and be prepared to better handle them. That’s the first part. I spent a lot of time doing this when I was seeing a counselor in 2017. It was time well spent on self-reflection, which has, in fact, allowed me to improve my sanity and my relationships.

The second part is creating space with a pause. Pause to take a few deep breaths. Pause to leave the room, go for a short walk, or whatever might help you calm down to think about what you’ll do or say next. In the Emotional Intelligence world, they’d say “intercept your thoughts and emotions.”

By pausing to intercept your thoughts and emotions, you’ll be better prepared for the third part, which is to respond thoughtfully and intentionally rather than simply reacting. Reacting can, and often does, take many forms – some of which are negative and detrimental – including, but not limited to, reacting in anger, reacting irrationally, or inappropriately bursting into uncontrollable tears out of frustration.

Another view – Creating space for God to act through you

This past week, I found another source that spoke of creating space, or pausing. I read a devotional entry in Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. In it, she quoted a verse from 1 Corinthians and then expounded upon it. I’ve included both here for you:

“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own.” — 1 Corinthians 6:19

Sarah then wrote, speaking on God’s behalf to the reader:

“The Light of My Presence is shining upon you…. Since I dwell in you, you are fully equipped to be holy. Pause before responding to people or situations, giving My Spirit space to act through you. Hasty words and actions leave no room for Me; this is atheistic living. I want to inhabit all your moments—gracing your thoughts, words, and behavior.”

To me, this means we need to create space for God’s words to come into our hearts, minds and mouths. When we do that, we allow time for God to move through us and for a much better response as a result. When we are truly able to intercept our thoughts and emotions and take a few deep breaths, we allow God time to give us the words and actions that will enhance, rather than hinder, our relationships with others.

Back to my earlier example, I learned several ways to help me handle the trigger of messes upon returning home from work.

After learning messes were a trigger for me, one day I came home to a rather large disaster and immediately walked back out of the house. I removed myself from the situation by taking a walk to calm down. During the walk, I texted my husband who was at home with the kids. I explained where I had gone and why, and I asked him to have the house picked up and in better shape by the time I returned. He was fully aware of the self-improvement I was trying to do through counseling, so he was more than willing to help remove my trigger.

On other days, when texting or taking a walk wasn’t an option and I had to face the messes, I learned to pause to take a few deep breaths. During the slow inhales and exhales, I would remind myself of my kids’ ages and silently say: “They are only children. Teach them.” Then, I was better able to speak with a calm voice to elicit help in picking up and to instruct about where garbage, backpacks and shoes should go. Bottom line: I learned to diffuse the situation rather than escalate the situation. I responded in more positive, loving ways because of the space I created through pausing to breathe and calm down.

Lastly: Brené Brown’s “The story I’m making up is…”

You may be wondering, ‘What are we supposed to do with the thoughts and emotions once we’ve paused and intercepted them? Aren’t we still going to feel our feelings?’ Yes, we will. But, Brené Brown, author of Dare to Lead and several other excellent books,  says we’re all just reacting to the stories we’re telling ourselves in our heads rather than reacting to the truth of the situation and the objective facts of what’s really occurring around us.

To help us more objectively acknowledge that we could be reacting to what we think is happening, though it may not be what’s truly happening, Brené suggests using this phrase in the space, or during your pause: “The story I’m making up is…” That simple statement is a game-changer.

In Dare To Lead, Brené shares an illustration of a time she was feeling down on herself and her abilities, and her husband came home hungry and wanting ham to eat. (I won’t spoil the full story by sharing it here – instead, I highly recommend you read her book!) But, suffice it to say she learned to use “The story I’m making up is…” and she used it to explain that she thought he was upset with her. She was telling herself he was upset because she hadn’t been to the store and she failed to have dinner on the table, all of which was adding to her fear that she was failing in all areas of her life.

In the end, she realized that her husband’s outburst about the lack of ham in their refrigerator was no reflection on her nor her role as a wife. It was solely based on the fact that he had missed lunch, was hungry for ham, and discovered there wasn’t any. It had nothing to do with Brené at all!

Had she not come to him and said, “The story I’m making up is…” and then explained what she was feeling as a result of his outburst, she would have never heard his side of the story nor understood that his outburst had absolutely nothing to do with her.

Another example

I had a situation at work a few years ago that is applicable here. In a meeting, I shared a new process I created for routing feedback and questions to the appropriate individuals across several business areas for a response. While sharing the process, which I  believed to be well thought out and efficient, two of my peers asked rather pointed questions of me to highlight several flaws and gaps in my process. I felt my heart starting to race, my face beginning to feel hot, and my breath becoming shallower.

To further illustrate, feeling stupid was a trigger for me. My immediate thoughts to the trigger were: “They think I’m stupid. They’re attacking my ideas in front of 10 of my peers! This is SO humiliating! If they think they can create this new process better than I can, why don’t they just do it?!”

I wanted nothing more than to escape the situation. Crawling into a hole or hiding in the women’s restroom all sounded like good options. But not having those options, I did the next best thing. The meeting was virtual (via conference call), so I took advantage of my mute button and began taking several, slow, deep breaths. This helped me to respond appropriately and professionally despite feeling as though I was under attack.

I successfully wrapped up the meeting I was facilitating by suggesting that the three of us connect offline so I could better understand their suggestions. I told the group we’d circle back once the process had been finalized, and they were fine with that.

After this experience, I discussed it with my counselor. She helped me break down the situation to see it more objectively, rather than through the skewed perspective of my own thoughts and emotions. We identified that the two more senior members of the team were simply trying to improve the process and ensure there were no gaps. When I considered that they were operating with the best of intentions rather than trying to humiliate me, I could see the situation in a more positive light.

What’s the point?

My point in sharing this with you is to help you recognize the power you have in how you respond in both words and actions. You are not powerless. You are not slave to your emotions and thoughts. None of us are if we’re willing to take the time to pause.

The simple act of creating space, or a slight pause, before you respond to an event, trigger or situation can make all the difference in the world.

Travis Bradberry and other emotional intelligence gurus have two ways of describing the act of viewing your emotions and thoughts objectively. The first is by pretending to be an outside, third-party observer. The second, which is similar, is by taking an eagle’s eye view and observing from thousands of feet above. When you do either of these, you remove yourself from the situation temporarily and prevent an immediate reaction in the moment. You take back control of how you want to intentionally respond to achieve the best outcome.

Give it a try!

I encourage you to try it. Start by reading the books I’ve reference above. Or, if you need additional help with practical everyday tactics or tips & tricks, see a counselor as I did. It helped me tremendously to know and understand myself better. I learned about my triggers, my knee-jerk reactions, and why they were occurring. I also learned  what I could do to stop my thoughts/emotions from controlling me.

It is well worth it! I know that learning these simple tactics saved my sanity and many of my relationships.

If you have stories of your own where your thoughts/emotions got the better of you, post them below! It’s good to know we’re not alone in this. Or, if you’ve found other tactics or ways to create space, share them here! I always love to hear from you!

Yours intentionally, Amanda