It Could Save Your Marriage

If you’ve seen the movie Fireproof, starring Kirk Cameron as Caleb Holt, you know it’s about a firefighter whose marriage is rocky and headed towards divorce. Just when all hope seems lost, Caleb’s dad gives him a book called The Love Dare to work through for 40 days in an attempt to save the marriage. The Love Dare provides Bible verses, opportunities for prayer and intentional actions to do each day to show love to a spouse. Caleb takes the challenge on, though begrudgingly, and finds his love for his wife, Katherine, returning as his heart becomes less hardened.

I like the movie for several reasons, including how it promotes faith in Jesus Christ and suggests that everyone can benefit from counseling. But also, as you’d expect, I love the intentional actions that The Love Dare asks Caleb to complete. As he proceeds through the 40 days, the actions grow increasingly more difficult – from avoiding saying negative words to his wife, showing her a nice gesture, such as making her coffee, and buying something that shows he was thinking of her, all the way to praying for her, listening to her, and studying her.

It’s the studying her that caught my attention.

When Caleb is describing Day 18 of The Love Dare to his friend, Michael, he reads the following from the book:

“When a man is trying to win the heart of a woman, he studies her. He learns her likes, dislikes, habits and hobbies, but after he wins her heart and marries her, he often stops learning about her. If the amount he studied her before marriage was equal to a high school degree, he should continue to learn about her until he earns a college degree, a masters degree and ultimately a doctorate degree. It is a lifelong journey that draws his heart ever closer to hers.”

What a awesome, intentional goal for married couples! I say “couples” because I believe the studying can and should extend to the women as well. Learning about a significant other doesn’t have to be something just for men to do, it can be for women, too.

I wish I could say I do it, and I’m good at it, but that’s just not true. I am, however, the lucky wife of a man with a PhD in Manda Studies.

Tom is observant by nature and enjoys paying attention to, or observing, small details. He also believes that trust is earned, not given. As a result, before he trusts someone, he watches and studies them thoroughly to see if their actions match their words.

Tom intentionally studied me with scrutiny when we were dating, and he’s never stopped. Now, he knows me better than I know myself. He often orders food and drinks for me in restaurants, which I love, and he’s excellent at knowing just what I’ll like. He makes me laugh like no one else can because he totally gets my sense of humor. He understands me on a deep, emotional level and can identify my true motives even when I can’t. That’s rare. It’s also really wonderful and special. We are extremely close and connected, partly due to how well he knows me.

On the flip side, Tom’s a coffee drinker, several cups a day – first thing in the morning, after dinner, before bed, whenever – and if you asked me how he takes his coffee, I’d hesitate with a lot of uncertainty. Isn’t that awful?! I’ve only made coffee for him once in our marriage, and it was so bad he couldn’t even drink it.

This time of year is also difficult for me because family members start to ask, “What does Tom want for Christmas?” A simple enough question for the spouse of someone who pays attention to likes and dislikes, but it’s a thinker for me. I struggle to come up with gift ideas for him each year.

We often joke that I’d fail miserably if we ever had to appear on the old television game show, The Newlywed Game. And sometimes, when I’m caught not knowing something about him that a wife really ought to know, I turn to him and say, “What’s your name again?”

Since I’m now committing to living intentionally, I think I’ll take my own advice and start trying to intentionally study my spouse. How about you? Do you do this? Does it come naturally, or is it something you have to be deliberate about? Are you the recipient of love from someone who knows you inside out? I’d love to hear all about it.

Yours intentionally, Amanda