Resolving to use a confidence-building, guidance-giving system with my kids in the new year

The new year is almost upon us, and many of us are trying to finalize our New Year’s resolutions. For me, I’m resolving to be more intentional in building confidence in my two daughters. I’ll do this through a new system I came up with called “Mom says…” 

Before I share the details of the system — and how you can get in on it too — let me tell you why I’m doing it.

Why I’m Doing What I’m Doing

I recently asked my 8-year-old to get ready for bed. Before she came upstairs, I went into her room to put away laundry and found she had a dry erase board propped on her dresser in front of her mirror. Wondering if she’d notice, I quickly scribed: “Mom loves you, and you’re beautiful!” Underneath it, I put a heart with a smiley face inside it.

Then I left her room and went into my own to get ready for bed. I heard her come upstairs, and just a few moments later, she came into my room with a huge smile on her face and bright eyes. She said, “Thanks, Mom. I saw what you did.” And she wrapped her arms around my waist giving me a great big hug.

I couldn’t believe how much that one simple act had meant to her. Especially from my daughter who rarely shows affection, cuddles or hugs. It must have really been something she was needing to hear!

Inspired by a TED Talk 

This experience immediately made me think back to a TED Talk I heard earlier this year called Promoting Confidence in Teen Girls. It was given by Cheryl Mason, a mom from my local community, who decided one day to write an encouraging note on her teen daughter’s bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker.

Knowing the pressures of once being a young girl and just how many negative messages bombard them, Cheryl chose to write her daughter’s favorite quote as a bit of encouragement to her: “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” Her daughter didn’t respond in any way — not a word. But, she also didn’t erase it. 

Encouraged by that, after a week, Cheryl wrote a new message on the bathroom mirror. Then another one. It continued until eventually Cheryl decided to write them down on paper so they could be kept and read again.

Then it occurred to Cheryl that maybe the girls on her daughter’s soccer team would like to receive the quotes as well. So with permission from parents, Cheryl started mailing hand-written “hope notes” each week and was soon sending 54 every single week. The girls didn’t say much, but the parents gave awesome feedback stating what they noticed in their daughters as a result. Cheryl declared success! She was a communicator of positive messages, and she was getting through!

However, because the hope notes were time consuming and expensive, she stopped them. In their place, she created jars of color-coded quotes for people to pull out one at a time each week for a year. She gave away 25 jars in 2017!

Then, Cheryl modified her method again, and began using a texting app to send positive quotes 3 or 4 times a week to those who have asked to receive them. What a fantastic idea and such a great way to spread positive messages! (I encourage you to watch the TED Talk; the entire presentation is great, but the part about her experience with her daughter starts at exactly 6 minutes in.)

I loved this idea when I heard it, but wasn’t sure how to implement it with my girls and also thought maybe they were too young for it. So I let the idea slip away.

The bedtime experience I recently had with my 8-year-old told me she is not too young to hear positive messages from me, and if she’s going to be taking in messages, I want mine to be the loudest, strongest, most loving and most impactful for her.

So, I took time to consider how I’d implement the intentional sharing of quotes, affirmations, sayings, Bible verses and guiding principles in my daughters’ lives. And that’s when my new system “Mom says…” was born.

My System: “Mom says…”

Let me explain what I’m going to do throughout 2019 and how I’ve described it to my girls. I created a PDF with 365 sayings (one for each day of the year). I then printed the PDF and cut the it into 365 little strips and put them in a jar. I’m calling it “The Mom Says… Jar” because each slip starts with “Mom says…” and then includes a saying, an affirmation, a quote, a Bible verse, or some type of advice or guidance for them.

Each morning in 2019 – one per day – my girls will take turns pulling out a slip and reading it. Since I drive them to school each day, we plan to talk about what’s on that slip and discuss: how they can focus on it during their day, what it means, examples of how they might live it out, etc..

I also plan to follow up with them at the end of the day. Since we eat dinner as a family, I intend to make this part of our evening conversations as well. We’ll reinforce the message and/or discuss what they did during the day to put into practice what the slip said or to improve someone else’s day. I look forward to those conversations. 

I called it “The Mom says… Jar” because, obviously, I’m Mom and I wrote them. (Ha!) Truthfully, I did it because research indicates messages coming from moms or those with a great deal of influence in children’s lives (whether that be dad, grandparent, or guardian) mean the most to children. They care what we think! They long for significance and belonging in our eyes before seeking it elsewhere.

And, I love the idea that these messages, as they are reinforced and re-read, will resonate in their minds and hearts as words from Mom. For example: “Mom says…I’m beautiful.” Or, “Mom says…Be true to who you are.” When they think, “Mom says…” I want a ton of loving and encouraging words to come flooding into their minds.

But there’s more to it, too. Some of the advice and guidance I put on the slips are things that may not naturally come up in conversation  yet, but now I’m intentionally creating dialogue on some of the tough issues.

We’ll be able to discuss ahead of time what Mom thinks, and I’ll be instilling my values and beliefs one day at a time. We’ll be incorporating Bible verses, also, which allows them to have God’s words and messages hidden in their hearts and top of mind when they need them and when making tough choices.

Good feedback already! 

I’m excited to see how this works. Already, I’m getting positive responses. When I printed the PDF and started cutting up the slips of paper, my 8-year-old asked what I was doing and if she could help. I said, “Sure,” so she grabbed another pair of scissors and began to cut along the black lines as I instructed.

Reading the paper she was cutting, she asked, “What is this? These all say, ‘Mom says…’” So I described my plan and how we’d begin the new system in January, 2019. She thought it sounded interesting and wasn’t opposed. I took that as encouragement to proceed.

When we had completed the cutting and were onto folding the slips of paper in half and dropping them into “The Mom says… Jar,” something truly awesome happened. Being almost finished, my daughter asked, “Could I draw out  just one and read it tonight?” “Okay,” I said. She pulled one randomly from the jar, opened it and read: “Mom says…Accidents happen. It’s okay.” Her face lit up, and she pulled the slip to her chest with both hands. “Can I keep this?!” she exclaimed. “This is a really good one because accidents happen all the time for me. I’m always making mistakes, and this says ‘it’s okay!’

I loved that response! And that was just the first one! Beaming inside, I thought quietly, ‘Trust me, there are so many more in there you’re going to love.’

The next morning, we described the system to my 5-year-old who is also excited about being able to pull slips out every day in 2019. There’s much anticipation and excitement building for the new experience.

Get the free PDF for your family! 

Does this sound like something you’d like to do with your kids or grandkids, too? If so, you can get in on it. I’ve created a PDF for my family, and I want to share it with you and yours. To get it, simply enter your name and email address on this Sign Up Form, and I’ll send the PDF directly to your inbox.

Whether you’re a mom, dad, grandparent, aunt, or whatever, you can easily create your own modified document to say “Dad says…” or “Grandma says…” or to make some of the phrases more geared towards boys (since mine may be slightly more geared towards girls). You can use the phrases I included as inspiration and even create some of your own that are near and dear to your heart.

If you want to intentionally instill your values, God’s word and positive affirmations into the children in your life, you need this! I’ve done the hard work and made it easy for you!

You can also start your own tradition with them. Maybe rather than drawing one out each morning, you can implement a bedtime routine that leads to meaningful conversations and prayers. Or, maybe you want to do what Cheryl did and use dry erase markers on the bathroom mirror. Consider your children, their ages, their needs, and do what works best for your family.  

The document is free. The messages are good ones. And don’t you want your kids or grandkids to hear your messages louder than any others? If so, please Sign Up to get the PDF. Then, let me hear how it’s going! Share with me how you use the messages and how your children/grandchildren respond! You know I love to hear from you.

Yours intentionally, Amanda