Category Archives: Parenting and Motherhood

Christian Faith, Parenting and Motherhood

Pick Your Battles

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If you’re a parent, you’ve likely heard the phrase, “Pick your battles.” Typically, it’s the young, new parents who are told this by well-meaning and more experienced parents who have gone before them.

I definitely heard it when my girls were young. Especially after describing how my daughters wished to declare their independence by wearing mismatched clothing to daycare or by refusing to allow me to brush their tangled, bed-rumpled hair.

I had quite a learning curve figuring out how to “let go” and be okay with their less-than-perfect looks. It was difficult since I had been a long-time perfectionist who believed their appearance reflected poorly on me and my parenting. It was not easy to learn; but learn it, I did. And good thing, too.

Now, as my daughters are getting older, it seems the stakes are getting higher, and they’ll only continue to do so.

A must with strong-willed children

Picking your battles is especially important for parents of strong-willed children. The strong wills cause them to go head-to-head on more issues than other children. They tend to be more argumentative and defiant by nature. Rather than fighting about everything under the sun, parents have to choose which issues matter, and which don’t.

That’s been our experience with one of our daughters. So when she recently asked if she could dye a bit of her hair teal, we had to decide if this should be a battle or not.

While I’m sure some will not agree with our decision to allow the teal hair, I want to share how we reached the conclusion to permit it. If it helps one family, it will have been worth sharing.

I also should mention that we consulted the great work of Dr. James Dobson in his recently revised book, The New Strong-Willed Child. I freely admit that parenting is difficult, therefore, I have no trouble deferring to experts for advice and guidance. After all, we want to get it right. These little people are quite special to us.

The New Strong-Willed Child
The New Strong-Willed Child by Dr. James Dobson

Dr. Dobson says parents should approach strong-willed children with a balance of Love and Control and should steer away from becoming angry, oppressive tyrants, or the opposite: passive, permissive, and disengaged parents.

His advice helped us to reach our decision this way:

  1. Show love and acceptance by sharing our beliefs
  2. Put controls in place
  3. Allow something harmless, fun and temporary

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Marriage and Relationships, Parenting and Motherhood, Personal Goals

3 Ways to Show Patience

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Have you ever prayed for patience and then quickly realized God was simply giving you more opportunities to practice being patient? I have. Patience is something I could use more of – especially in dealing with my kids.

Many parents likely struggle with patience. In our busy lives, when we need uninterrupted time to focus on tasks, stopping every few minutes to provide snacks, answer questions, or break up sibling squabbles can be tiring and frustrating. Refraining from snapping at our littles and reaching the end of our fuses can be a challenge.  It’s something I’m working on, for sure.

In thinking about how I wish I would respond, examples of my dad came flooding into my mind. He passed away in 2013, but his whole life, he was the perfect role model for patience — in both big and small moments.

Me and Dad
Me and Dad

Many who knew him would describe him as laid back, fun loving, easy going, and possessing a great sense of humor. All of that is true, and I would also add: kind, gentle, full of unconditional love, and patient.

There are three lessons we can probably all learn from my dad when it comes to showing patience to others. They are:

  • Place people above things
  • Look for opportunities to teach rather than scold
  • Approach conversations with unconditional love

Let me share two examples that illustrate all three of these lessons.

Continue reading 3 Ways to Show Patience →

Motivation, Parenting and Motherhood, Personal Goals

To wait or to seize — that is the question

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I recently found myself in a conundrum. As you know, I have a strong desire to live intentionally, to chase my dreams, and be in control of my own fate (to the extent possible). However, I find this desire in contrast with giving up control, surrendering, and allowing life to unfold.

On one hand, I’m 100% bought into the idea that by living intentionally, we can make things happen for ourselves. Positive things, that otherwise wouldn’t happen. And, since I’m a planner at heart, it’s easy for me.

On the other hand, I recognize that I’m not in control of all things. In fact, trying to control everything can damage relationships, and turn one into an authoritative dictator no one wants to be around. 

So, what are we to do? Is the answer to just watch and see? Should we sit on our hands and just hope for good things? I don’t think so.

The trick is to know when to make things happen and when to allow life to unfold. 

From Stafford’s book Only Love Today

Wait or Seize?

I recently read Rachel Macy Stafford’s book Only Love Today, and it was there that I found the answer. She said it perfectly with these words: “Learn when to wait a moment and when to seize a moment.” I love that! 

It reminds me of the Bible verses found in Ecclesiastes 3: “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity…” We have to determine what the situation calls for and discern if we should wait or seize.

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Christian Faith, Counseling, Parenting and Motherhood

One Truth I Wish I Learned Sooner

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Have you ever considered what you’d say if you had the ability to write a letter to your younger self? It’s an ‘If I’d known then what I know now’ concept that’s interesting to ponder.

It crossed my mind today while driving in my car. On the radio, I heard the song: Dear Younger Me by MercyMe. In it, the singer imagines writing a letter to himself when he was younger. He dreams of giving himself an advantage in life by teaching valuable lessons without having to experience any of the pain he went through. He envisions sharing wisdom to help him avoid mistakes and keep him from making the wrong choices.

It made me pause to consider what I would tell my younger self if given the opportunity. Surprisingly, in just a few short minutes, the answer was crystal clear to me. It centered around the idea of perfection.

The lie I believed & the truth I found

I could have saved myself a lot of pain if I had recognized much earlier in life that no one is perfect, and therefore, I don’t have to be perfect either.

You see, I grew up believing a lie. The lie was:

My value and self-worth = My performance + The opinion of others

When in reality, the truth is:

My value and self-worth comes from God. He knows I’m not perfect and loves me anyway. He made us all human and none of us are perfect.

Oh, the pain I could have saved myself if I had recognized this sooner. Oh, the freedom that would have come with not caring so much what others thought of me. If only I’d had the ability to try things without the fear of failing or even the fear of simply not doing as well as others.

I was in my mid-30s before I truly understood God’s love for me in this way and grasped that my value comes from Him alone.

When I was seeing a counselor in 2017, I worked through a book called Conquering

My workbook while going through counseling

Codependency – A Christ-Centered 12-Step Process by Pat Springle. It was this book that helped me realize the lie I was believing about performance-based value. It taught me to replace the lie with the truth of God’s love for me.

If only, but what’s done is done.

As I drove on, I snapped out of my reflective daydream. “If only…” I thought. “But I can’t change the past and write a letter to myself. What’s done is done.”

Then another truth hit me.

I don’t have the power to change the past, but I do have the power to influence the future.

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Christian Faith, Parenting and Motherhood

Want to build confidence in kids? Try this!

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Resolving to use a confidence-building, guidance-giving system with my kids in the new year

The new year is almost upon us, and many of us are trying to finalize our New Year’s resolutions. For me, I’m resolving to be more intentional in building confidence in my two daughters. I’ll do this through a new system I came up with called “Mom says…” 

Before I share the details of the system — and how you can get in on it too — let me tell you why I’m doing it.

Why I’m Doing What I’m Doing

I recently asked my 8-year-old to get ready for bed. Before she came upstairs, I went into her room to put away laundry and found she had a dry erase board propped on her dresser in front of her mirror. Wondering if she’d notice, I quickly scribed: “Mom loves you, and you’re beautiful!” Underneath it, I put a heart with a smiley face inside it.

Then I left her room and went into my own to get ready for bed. I heard her come upstairs, and just a few moments later, she came into my room with a huge smile on her face and bright eyes. She said, “Thanks, Mom. I saw what you did.” And she wrapped her arms around my waist giving me a great big hug.

I couldn’t believe how much that one simple act had meant to her. Especially from my daughter who rarely shows affection, cuddles or hugs. It must have really been something she was needing to hear!

Inspired by a TED Talk 

This experience immediately made me think back to a TED Talk I heard earlier this year called Promoting Confidence in Teen Girls. It was given by Cheryl Mason, a mom from my local community, who decided one day to write an encouraging note on her teen daughter’s bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker.

Knowing the pressures of once being a young girl and just how many negative messages bombard them, Cheryl chose to write her daughter’s favorite quote as a bit of encouragement to her: “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” Her daughter didn’t respond in any way — not a word. But, she also didn’t erase it. 

Continue reading Want to build confidence in kids? Try this! →

Marriage and Relationships, Parenting and Motherhood, Personal Goals

3 Reasons I Intentionally Send Christmas Cards

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Besides It Being a Joy for Me

Some might view sending Christmas cards as a chore or a dreaded task, but not me. It’s one of the things I most look forward to each year at Christmas time.

In fact, (none of my friends will be surprised by this) but I usually have them done before Thanksgiving. I have to restrain myself from sending them out until afterwards.

Creating and sending Christmas cards – photo cards, to be more specific – is an absolute joy for me. Here’s how it typically goes for our family.

Each Fall, we have professional family photos taken. Once they are complete, we pick our favorites and decide which are Christmas-card worthy. (I try not to let my husband share those on Facebook ahead of the Christmas cards being sent, but sometimes he forgets – like he did this year!)

By early November, I go online and view tons of holiday, photo-card templates with different colors, layouts and phrases. I then populate a few with our pictures to see which one looks the best, and we place our order based on what the majority of us like.

Then — this is my favorite part — once we have the printed photo cards, envelopes and stamps, and our list of family and friends’ addresses from our computer, my two daughters and I sit down at the kitchen table together. We turn on Christmas music in the background, and we work as a team to stuff, address, stamp and seal the envelopes.

Admittedly, this hasn’t always been as picture perfect as it sounds.

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Parenting and Motherhood, Personal Goals, Work Life and Career

Ask for What You Want

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Take the Risk and Make it Yours

I had a basketball coach in grade school who frequently said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” There are similar sayings, such as “You can’t score if you don’t shoot,” and “You can’t hit the ball if you don’t swing.” What all three of these sayings mean is: You can’t succeed unless you try. And trying starts with action.

That mentality stuck with me, and as a result, I now wholeheartedly believe in the philosophy that says: “Ask for what you want; the worst they can say is ‘No.’” If success starts with action, then you can act by intentionally asking for what you want.

This philosophy has proven true over and over again in my life. Let me give you two examples.

Example #1: Asking to change to part-time status at work

When I became pregnant with our first child in 2009, my husband and I talked a lot about our options for childcare — carefully considering our finances and professional goals — and asked ourselves (as most soon-to-be parents do) should we both remain full time? Should one of us quit our jobs to stay home? Is there a possibility of working part time?
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Christian Faith, Parenting and Motherhood

Intentionally Changing Lives

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All Fired Up To Do Something              

Late one night (because I’m a night owl and not a morning person) I was up watching an online video after the kids and Tom had gone to bed. It was former Pastor Bill Hybels of Willow Creek Community Church in South Barrington, IL, giving one of his phenomenal weekly sermons.

I remember he referenced a cartoon I never watched, but that many of you may be familiar with: Popeye the Sailor Man. Bill said Popeye had a habit of getting angry and keeping that anger bottled up inside until finally he couldn’t take it any longer. He’d be so upset, red in the face, and at his boiling point, he would shout out: “That’s all I can stands, I can’t stands no more!”

Bill used that illustration to ask the congregation what they got fired up about. What was the one thing, the one injustice, the one cruelty or evil action that stirred their insides, made them red in the face, made their blood boil, or made them cry because their hearts just absolutely broke each time they thought about it? What was the one thing that made them want to shout: “That’s all I can stands, I can’t stands no more!”?

He was encouraging the congregation to put their fingers on that one thing, and then go and do something about it. He was encouraging intentional action on the part of the church to impact and change lives. He was asking the church members to be the hands and feet of Christ in this world.

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