Taking time for reflection is a key to learning. In business, Lessons Learned Meetings are held – or in an Agile business environment they’re called Retrospective Meetings – in which a team reflects on what went well, what could have been handled better/differently, and what was learned. In the military, After Action Reviews are used, in which there is reflection on what happened, why it happened, and what could have been handled better/differently. Regardless of the setting and the specific questions, the premise is the same: reflection leads to improvement, learning and growth.

But I don’t want to talk about business or the military, I want to talk about our personal lives. I started thinking, why can’t we adopt the same behaviors in our homes and family situations? And, of course, we can! It’s truly a habit we should form; a practice we should adopt.

Speaker, author and leadership coach John Maxwell is a huge proponent and advocate for this. In fact, he takes time for personal reflection every day! He reflects on how he intentionally added value to others on a daily basis. That’s something to aspire to; I’m not there yet.

I do, however, like the idea of creating a habit in which we periodically, purposefully slow down and reflect. According to John Maxwell, “Reflection is an intentional stoppage, a deliberate habit that must be cultivated.” I completely agree. If we just keep plowing forward without looking back, we will miss important lessons and growth opportunities.

“Reflection is an intentional stoppage, a deliberate habit that must be cultivated.” — John Maxwell

When should we reflect?

There are natural times when reflection is more top of mind; for example, at year end or when creating New Year’s Resolutions. But we can also make time following traumatic events, stressful periods, or times of transition and change in our lives.

I just came through a pretty trying 40-day period (late Sept. to end of Oct.), which is why I recently spent time reflecting. Now that I’m on the other side, I can look back and think about what went well, what I could have handled better or done differently, and what I learned. The transferrable lesson here is that YOU can do the same.

Let me share my experience so you can begin to contemplate how you might apply reflection to your situation.

My experience

In a recent 40-day period:

• I was informed of organizational restructuring that affected my job.
• I had a death in the family, losing an aunt I was close with, and
• I was studying for a professional certification, which required much of my time and attention.

Any one of those alone would be enough to cause stress, tension or worry, but when added together, the stress, tension and worry actually multiplied.

The events themselves are not important. This is not a “my stress is greater than your stress” comparison or competition. We all have stress; we just get different varieties in differing amounts at different times. My goal is simply to encourage you to take whatever trials you have faced and reflect on what went well, what could have been handled better/differently, and what you learned as a result.

Restructuring affected my job

In the business world, current buzz words tell us to be “agile” (flexible/iterative), to be “resilient” (able to bounce back quickly and easily) and to approach change with confidence and optimism. Truthfully, I’m much better at this than I used to be, which I believe comes by way of life experience and maturity. However, let’s be honest – when faced with situations beyond our control in which our fate is unknown and lies in someone else’s hands – it’s scary and stressful.

In late Sept., it was announced that organizational restructuring was needed and my job, as I knew it, would no longer exist. Thankfully, my peers and I were not being let go, but what we’d be doing, where, and who we’d report to was unknown. It was going to be determined by the higher-ups – thus beyond our control and out of our hands. The only thing I could do – the thing that went well – was trust and depend on God for all things to fall into place and work out well for me in the end.

Losing my aunt

In mid-October, my aunt passed away. She was my Dad’s older sister and someone I’d formed a close relationship with. She and her husband allowed me to move in with them for a temporary period when I was a Sophomore in high school. My parents planned to move from Missouri to Illinois in February when my Dad’s new job took effect. But the very last thing I wanted was to be the new kid in a new school mid-year rather than at the start of the school year when chances were good there’d be a few other newbies.

She and my uncle gladly took me in at the start of the school year in August. But not only that, she went above and beyond to make sure I felt at home, welcomed and comfortable. In an effort to make the transition easier on me, she bought new bedding for me so I could make their guest room my own, and she purchased fresh flowers for weeks, which she placed on my dresser just to brighten my days. She was also an excellent cook who made many of my favorite meals – including her lasagna. Yum!

Since that period in high school, I was extremely close with this aunt and uncle. We had a special relationship that continued when I got married, had my babies, and hosted or attended family get-togethers. Unfortunately, we lost my uncle in 2014, and this year, my aunt had multiple health issues that began to compound causing her to be in and out of the hospital several times. Still, it came as a surprise that this hospital visit was her last. I sat with her and family in the hospital and said my good-byes the day before she died.

Upon reflection, I regret that I didn’t take the time to write a few words to share what a wonderful person she was at her funeral. That’s what could have been handled better/differently. Looking back, I wish I had. She was a positive influence in my life who made quite an impact, and I wish I could have shared that legacy with those who gathered to remember her that day.

Rather than dwell on my regret though, I choose to accept the lesson learned and move forward knowing that the next time a close, loved one passes away, I need to be ready with a few stories or memories to share.

Studying for a professional certification

During this same 40-day period, I was studying for a Professional in Human Resources (PHR) certification. This 3-hour, 175-question exam was scheduled for Nov. 1st – two days before we planned to leave for our first-ever Disney vacation as a family. The Disney vacation, I told myself, would serve as my personal reward for achieving my goal and obtaining the certification. This, however, added a little more stress – What if I didn’t pass? I had to pass. So I studied that much harder.

The material, while not completely foreign to me, was still difficult because of the details the writers of the exam could potentially ask about. The sheer number of Federal and State Laws, Acts, and Supreme Court cases that have significantly impacted employment laws and policies throughout U.S. history was overwhelming.

With the stress of my upcoming job change and the death of my aunt, studying was the last thing I wanted to do, but it was absolutely necessary.

To make time, I often stayed up late. This led to too few hours of sleep, making me irritable and cranky. It also caused me to miss my morning workouts when I couldn’t get myself out of bed. And, when I’m stressed, my natural tendency is to reach for comfort foods like fried mozzarella sticks, homemade creamy mac and cheese, or chocolate chip cookies. Upon reflection, I learned that I took my focus off my health and reverted to some not-so-great habits.

In my weight loss journey, I had been working to improve my health in 4 areas: Nutrition, Exercise, Sleep and Stress. As a result, I had successfully lost 27 lbs. over the previous 6-month period. Ironically though, when faced with so much stress at once, the behaviors I had been practicing to help manage stress went right out the window, along with the good habits I had formed in the other 3 categories. Not good.

Would I have learned this without reflection? No. Am I beating myself up about this? No. I plan to use the learnings to help me the next time I’m stressed. I also plan to regain focus so I can continue on my weight loss journey now that these stressful events are behind me.

We are all a work in progress.

No one is perfect; we’re all a work in progress. As such, it helps to approach life with a learning spirit and an open mind. Reflection (through mindfulness or journaling) allows us to take time to see things objectively, after the fact, that can help us notice and measure our own growth. We can see how far we’ve come and where progress still needs to be made.

When I started my corporate career at age 26 following in my Dad’s footsteps, I remember him lovingly telling me that I was “a diamond in the rough.” By that, he meant I had exceptional qualities, characteristics and potential, but had some rough edges to knock off and learning to do before I could really shine. I wish Dad could see me now – now that I’m older, wiser, more experienced, and more polished. He went to heaven in 2013, but I know he was telling my younger self that I was a work in progress and one day, I’d sparkle like the finest diamond.

Just like my earthly father, my heavenly father wants the same for me – probably more. And the same for you! There are several Christian songs that speak to this truth of how God continues to mature us and build our character through trials we face.

• Sidewalk Prophets has a song titled: Keep Making Me*
• Tauren Wells has a song titled: God’s Not Done*
• The group I Am They has a song titled: Scars*

*Excerpts of the song lyrics are below

Keep Making Me by Sidewalk Prophets (excerpt of lyrics)	God’s Not Done by                Tauren Wells (excerpt of lyrics)	Scars by I Am They (excerpt of lyrics)
“Make me broken      So I can be healed. Make me empty              So I can be filled. Til You are my one desire. Til You are my one true love. Til You are my breath, my everything. Lord, please keep making me.”	“God’s not done with you Even with your broken heart and your wounds and your scars. God’s not done with you Even when you’re lost and it’s hard and you’re falling apart. God’s not done with you. It’s not over, it’s only begun. So don’t hide, don’t run ‘Cause God’s not done with You-ou-ou-ou-ou You-ou-ou-ou-ou. He’s got a plan, this is part of it. He’s gonna finish what he started… God’s not done writing your story…God’s not done with you.”	“Darkest water and deepest pain I wouldn’t trade it for anything ‘Cause my brokenness brought me to You. So I’m thankful for the scars ‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know your heart. And I know they’ll always tell of who you are So forever I am thankful for the scars.”

Reflection provides an opportunity to see what God is doing in our lives through our trials. Without reflection, we might miss it. We also might miss a growth opportunity or His ultimate will for our lives.

Through my experience, I think God was asking me to trust and rely on Him. It certainly wasn’t easy – especially as the stress kept piling up. But I did it, and He’s proven once again that He’ll bring me through it. He’ll bring you through it, too — whatever it is.

 The good news…

Thankfully, my 40-day period of stressful events came to a close.

• I started a new job yesterday, which I’m excited about.
• I know that my aunt is in heaven with her maker now and is happier than she’s ever been.
• I passed my professional certification exam and enjoyed Disney World with my family as a sweet reward.

I’m grateful my stressful period was relatively short-lived. For some, periods of trials can last much, much longer. Again, my trials vs. your trials is not the point. The point is: we can practice the habit of reflection to learn from our trials and stressful periods.

So how about you?

What can you reflect upon to determine:

• What went well,
• What could have been handled better/differently and
• What you learned through the process?

  

It’s often said that “Life is a journey, not a destination.” With that in mind, reflect on what your journey is teaching you. Reflect on lessons learned, your areas of strength and your areas of weakness. And consider what God’s perspective is and what He may be wanting to teach or show you.

There’s no reason we can’t apply sound business and military principles to our lives. As John Maxwell says, “Reflective thinking turns experience into insights.”

As always, I enjoy hearing from you. Please share your story of trials, reflection and growth. You can comment below or send me an email at yoursintentionally@yahoo.com. I look forward to hearing about your situations.

Yours intentionally, Amanda