You’ve heard the phrase “When mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” That’s the truth! In fact, it may be an understatement. But the opposite is true as well: When mama is happy, everybody is happy! We moms have the power to change moods, influence the room, enflame or defuse tempers, and affect the overall tone of our households. We set the tone.
This is a powerful thing. Not to misuse, but to intentionally embrace, when needed, and to be aware of so you can have a more positive influence than negative.
Disclaimer:
Before I share the three ways I think this is true, let me provide a disclaimer. My kids are elementary-school age. I can’t yet speak to how teenagers respond (though I am familiar with the eye roll). If you’re a mom of teenagers currently, or you’ve survived that stage, I’d love to hear if any of the advice below resonates, or if it’s a whole new ballgame in the teenage years.
3 ways Moms set the tone
For those of us having lived through 2020 with younger kids, there are three ways I think Moms set the tone.
1. I am President, CEO, and leader of my family and household
Like it or not, you and I are role models and everyone is watching our actions and listening to our words. Just like Presidents and CEOs of companies have employees looking to them for guidance, you and I have kids looking to us.
Presidents and CEOs set the tone of the organizational culture, set the standard for what is acceptable and unacceptable, set the vision and direction, and inspire others to be and do their best.
Similarly, you and I can do the same for our families and households. In fact, you most likely are — I am. But you may be unaware of the influence you are having and the tone you are creating.
I challenge you to pay attention to that. It matters. As a recent and painful example of what negative influence from a leader looks like, just think of the tone the former President recently set in the United States.
A leader’s influence is no small thing, and it can be used for good or for evil. More often than not, in households, I’m willing to bet moms are unintentionally setting the wrong tone because they simply aren’t aware of what’s happening.
2. My fear = their worries; My calm = their peace
It’s now 2021, but:
- We continue to live through the deadly COVID-19 global pandemic and have serious economic issues because of job loss and high unemployment rates.
- We continue to have social injustice highlighted because change is desperately needed, and
- We just witnessed how fragile and precious our democracy is as we transitioned to a new Presidential administration in the United States amongst riots and deployment of the national guard across all 50 states.
How can you NOT be worried? You likely are, and that’s okay. But, as a mom, you don’t necessarily want to pass your fear to your kids. After all, this is their childhood. It’s a time when they are supposed to be gleefully unaware of the world’s weighty problems. Not ignorant to them, but certainly not worried about them to the extent and degree that we are.
That’s why it’s important to monitor our own reactions and responses to what’s happening and what is shared on the news. As stated before, our kids are watching. Mine watch me when I tune into the evening news, and they search my face for reactions to what is shared. They try to make meaning of the journalists’ words by watching my expressions. They want to know what I think. They want to know if I’m concerned.
Now, granted, my kids are old enough that I allow them to watch the news (sometimes), and then we talk about what is shared in a way that they can understand. I don’t always recommend having kids watch the news – at times it’s too violent and scary. I certainly don’t want them living with images they can’t erase from their minds. But in most cases, they aren’t able to absorb the content the same way we are. That’s where the translation comes in, and they look to us to interpret and give meaning to the situation.
I’ve found that talking to my kids about current events and the pandemic is helpful for them. But I’m careful in how I frame our conversations. I want them to understand, but not be afraid. And above all, I want them to see that amid the chaos, I am calm.
In doing so, I set the tone for them. They can live in peace, not fear. You can do this, too, for your children. You can ensure they sleep at night free of worries, and they enjoy their childhood without undue burden on their shoulders. It’s all in the tone you decide to intentionally set.
3. Mirroring takes place every day in parenting
According to Wikipedia, mirroring is the behavior in which one person unconsciously imitates the gesture, speech pattern, or attitude of another. It’s the subconscious replication of another person’s nonverbal signals. It differs from imitation and mimicking because mirroring is unconsciously done and often goes unnoticed, whereas imitation and mimicking are conscious, overt attempts to copy another person.
I see this in my household. Perhaps you see it in yours at times, too. As an example, take a Saturday morning. Let’s say you wake to find the kids have been up for some time and created several messes. If you start barking orders with a furrowed brow and pointed finger saying “clean this up; put that away!” you’re likely to be met with furrowed brows, pointed fingers, and barks in return saying “that’s not mine; she did that!” Tone set.
Conversely, I bet you can relate to this. When in a good mood and wanting to have some fun, you can turn on music while making dinner and declare “Dance party!” All of a sudden, your mundane Tuesday night dinner-prep becomes a fun, laughter-filled memory. Tone set.
‘When mama is happy, everybody is happy!’
We can also diffuse negative emotions associated with bad situations and eradicate bad moods when we see them in our kids. Let me explain with a few examples.
Just this week, as our school returned to blended learning (50% in-person and 50% remote), my daughters and I loaded into the car and drove off to school. But when we arrived in the school parking lot, we discovered my oldest left her band instrument at home. We had just enough time to go back home, retrieve the instrument, and return before the school day started. So that’s what we did.
My daughter ran into the house to grab her instrument and returned to the car looking guilty and embarrassed. As we backed out of our driveway for the second time and drove the same road taken just 20 minutes earlier, I recalled her love of making videos and said light-heartedly: “January 25th: Take two!” With that, the entire mood in the car changed! We replaced negative feelings with smiles and laughter, and she knew all was okay.
Eradicating bad moods is not quite as easy, but can be done. I’ve found that a bad mood can often be removed with an empathetic ear and snuggles. Many times, talking through the emotions with someone who cares and shows understanding by validating feelings is all it takes. Humor can also do the trick. I have seen my girls try to maintain an angry, upset face during dinner only to be overcome by laughter – and poof – the bad mood is gone!
A superpower
I daresay, setting the tone is a superpower moms have. We can change moods, influence the room, enflame or defuse tempers, and affect the overall tone of our households. One could likely argue that present and involved dads have this power as well. I believe that could be true. However, I also think moms have this superpower with their husbands, too. (More on that in another post, perhaps. 😊)
But as a mom of two young girls, I know they look to me more often than anyone else. And I’ve paid attention enough to know when my words and actions are influencing them, their words, and their actions.
Your turn
Have you experienced this power in your household? Are you willing to be intentional about the tone you set and the influence you have on your kids? Leave me a comment or send me an email at yoursintentionally@yahoo.com. I always love to hear from you.
Yours intentionally, Amanda