If you’re a parent, you’ve likely heard the phrase, “Pick your battles.” Typically, it’s the young, new parents who are told this by well-meaning and more experienced parents who have gone before them.
I definitely heard it when my girls were young. Especially after describing how my daughters wished to declare their independence by wearing mismatched clothing to daycare or by refusing to allow me to brush their tangled, bed-rumpled hair.
I had quite a learning curve figuring out how to “let go” and be okay with their less-than-perfect looks. It was difficult since I had been a long-time perfectionist who believed their appearance reflected poorly on me and my parenting. It was not easy to learn; but learn it, I did. And good thing, too.
Now, as my daughters are getting older, it seems the stakes are getting higher, and they’ll only continue to do so.
A must with strong-willed children
Picking your battles is especially important for parents of strong-willed children. The strong wills cause them to go head-to-head on more issues than other children. They tend to be more argumentative and defiant by nature. Rather than fighting about everything under the sun, parents have to choose which issues matter, and which don’t.
That’s been our experience with one of our daughters. So when she recently asked if she could dye a bit of her hair teal, we had to decide if this should be a battle or not.
While I’m sure some will not agree with our decision to allow the teal hair, I want to share how we reached the conclusion to permit it. If it helps one family, it will have been worth sharing.
I also should mention that we consulted the great work of Dr. James Dobson in his recently revised book, The New Strong-Willed Child. I freely admit that parenting is difficult, therefore, I have no trouble deferring to experts for advice and guidance. After all, we want to get it right. These little people are quite special to us.
Dr. Dobson says parents should approach strong-willed children with a balance of Love and Control and should steer away from becoming angry, oppressive tyrants, or the opposite: passive, permissive, and disengaged parents.
His advice helped us to reach our decision this way:
- Show love and acceptance by sharing our beliefs
- Put controls in place
- Allow something harmless, fun and temporary