You’ve heard the phrase “When mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” That’s the truth! In fact, it may be an understatement. But the opposite is true as well: When mama is happy, everybody is happy! We moms have the power to change moods, influence the room, enflame or defuse tempers, and affect the overall tone of our households. We set the tone.
This is a powerful thing. Not to misuse, but to intentionally embrace, when needed, and to be aware of so you can have a more positive influence than negative.
Disclaimer:
Before I share the three ways I think this is true, let me provide a disclaimer. My kids are elementary-school age. I can’t yet speak to how teenagers respond (though I am familiar with the eye roll). If you’re a mom of teenagers currently, or you’ve survived that stage, I’d love to hear if any of the advice below resonates, or if it’s a whole new ballgame in the teenage years.
3 ways Moms set the tone
For those of us having lived through 2020 with younger kids, there are three ways I think Moms set the tone.
1. I am President, CEO, and leader of my family and household
We were driving through town with the windows rolled down, and the three of us belly-laughed for about the fifth time in only a few minutes. My two daughters and I were spending a sunny afternoon running errands together.
After the laughter subsided, my oldest said, “Something’s different lately. You seem happier, and you aren’t yelling at us as much. What changed?”
“Hmm. I don’t know…” I said.
But I did know, and a little grin spread across my face as a warm feeling grew inside my heart. The truth was, I’d been working to improve myself in order to improve my relationships. Apparently, it was working and being noticed, which was extremely rewarding.
I’ve been spending time focusing on what I’ll refer to here as the 5 Ps of Intentional Parenting:
Pray
Play
Praise
Protect
Prepare
Quick history
Before I explain, let me take you back to 2017 & 2018. I found myself extremely unhappy with several relationships in my life. I sought counseling to help me manage and cope. At the time, I learned several helpful strategies that immensely improved my relationships because of changes I made within myself – in my heart and in my head.
But lately, I had reverted back to some old habits and old ways of thinking. I had forgotten to apply the strategies, and it was beginning to show – big time.
In my parenting, I felt angry, frustrated, and disconnected from my kids more often than I liked. I knew they felt it, too. It was showing up in how often I scolded and bossed rather than instructed or asked. How I reacted rather than responded. How I was quicker to shoe them off than pull them close. This started to really bother me, and I knew it was time to work on myself – again.
In doing so, I came up with these 5 Ps of Intentional Parenting. When I reflect on what I want to be as a parent and what my kids need me to be as a mom, these 5 Ps sum it up. If you’re a parent wanting to be more intentional with your kids and wondering how, let me encourage you to start here.
I grew up in a household where open conversation and dialogue was welcomed. It was how we established trust and a deep sense of unconditional love, acceptance and belonging. My parents welcomed questions and conversations about the hard stuff and the big stuff, but they showed a genuine interest in the little stuff of everyday life, too – and that’s where true connection happens with kids.
Times have changed, and we now live in a digital world in which it often feels like everyone in the household (no matter the age) is behind a screen and uninterested in engaging in conversation. Though it seems that way, that couldn’t be further from the truth. People are still interested in connecting; we just have to be more intentional about making it happen.
From my experience
I’ve found 3 times that are best for true connection with my kids. Times when no screens are present and open conversation and dialogue occur freely and naturally. I welcome these times because I, like my parents, want to let my kids know we have a relationship of trust, they are loved unconditionally, they are accepted, and they belong.
If you’re a parent, you’ve likely heard the phrase, “Pick your battles.” Typically, it’s the young, new parents who are told this by well-meaning and more experienced parents who have gone before them.
I definitely heard it when my girls were young. Especially after describing how my daughters wished to declare their independence by wearing mismatched clothing to daycare or by refusing to allow me to brush their tangled, bed-rumpled hair.
I had quite a learning curve figuring out how to “let go” and be okay with their less-than-perfect looks. It was difficult since I had been a long-time perfectionist who believed their appearance reflected poorly on me and my parenting. It was not easy to learn; but learn it, I did. And good thing, too.
Now, as my daughters are getting older, it seems the stakes are getting higher, and they’ll only continue to do so.
A must with strong-willed children
Picking your battles is especially important for parents of strong-willed children. The strong wills cause them to go head-to-head on more issues than other children. They tend to be more argumentative and defiant by nature. Rather than fighting about everything under the sun, parents have to choose which issues matter, and which don’t.
That’s been our experience with one of our daughters. So when she recently asked if she could dye a bit of her hair teal, we had to decide if this should be a battle or not.
While I’m sure some will not agree with our decision to allow the teal hair, I want to share how we reached the conclusion to permit it. If it helps one family, it will have been worth sharing.
I also should mention that we consulted the great work of Dr. James Dobson in his recently revised book, The New Strong-Willed Child. I freely admit that parenting is difficult, therefore, I have no trouble deferring to experts for advice and guidance. After all, we want to get it right. These little people are quite special to us.
The New Strong-Willed Child by Dr. James Dobson
Dr. Dobson says parents should approach strong-willed children with a balance of Love and Control and should steer away from becoming angry, oppressive tyrants, or the opposite: passive, permissive, and disengaged parents.
His advice helped us to reach our decision this way:
