We were driving through town with the windows rolled down, and the three of us belly-laughed for about the fifth time in only a few minutes. My two daughters and I were spending a sunny afternoon running errands together.

After the laughter subsided, my oldest said, “Something’s different lately. You seem happier, and you aren’t yelling at us as much. What changed?”

“Hmm. I don’t know…” I said.

But I did know, and a little grin spread across my face as a warm feeling grew inside my heart. The truth was, I’d been working to improve myself in order to improve my relationships. Apparently, it was working and being noticed, which was extremely rewarding.

I’ve been spending time focusing on what I’ll refer to here as the 5 Ps of Intentional Parenting:

• Pray
• Play
• Praise
• Protect
• Prepare

Quick history

Before I explain, let me take you back to 2017 & 2018. I found myself extremely unhappy with several relationships in my life. I sought counseling to help me manage and cope. At the time, I learned several helpful strategies that immensely improved my relationships because of changes I made within myself – in my heart and in my head.

But lately, I had reverted back to some old habits and old ways of thinking. I had forgotten to apply the strategies, and it was beginning to show – big time.

In my parenting, I felt angry, frustrated, and disconnected from my kids more often than I liked. I knew they felt it, too. It was showing up in how often I scolded and bossed rather than instructed or asked. How I reacted rather than responded. How I was quicker to shoe them off than pull them close. This started to really bother me, and I knew it was time to work on myself – again.

In doing so, I came up with these 5 Ps of Intentional Parenting. When I reflect on what I want to be as a parent and what my kids need me to be as a mom, these 5 Ps sum it up. If you’re a parent wanting to be more intentional with your kids and wondering how, let me encourage you to start here.

1. Pray

First and foremost, I admitted – again – that I am not God, and I can’t do this difficult work of parenting without Him. I humbly recognized that I needed God to help me, and I continue to recognize this on a daily basis. How? I pray. I turn to God every single day and ask for His help, His wisdom, His guidance.

I ask Him to intercede where I fall short. I ask for His strength when I have no more. I ask for His forgiveness when I’ve messed up. I ask for grace and the chance to do better tomorrow. I ask for His will to be done, and I pray for blessings, good health, and good people to be part of my children’s lives. I ask for role models – far better than me – to influence them. I also pray that He would make me a stronger role model because I acknowledge room for improvement.

Staying close to God and in conversation with God, improves my relationships and my parenting.

2. Play

Second, no matter what age you are, you’re never too old to play. Whether with your kids or grandkids, playing is healthy for you, and more than that, it’s craved by them. They need it. It’s a must-have at all ages.

You may think your son or daughter would rather spend more time with their iPhone than with you, but you’d be wrong. Giving kids or young adults time and attention – in the form of games whether card games, board games, video games or sports, or in the form of hobbies like crafting, cooking, gardening, or woodworking – is absolutely necessary for their sense of belonging and acceptance and for their mental health.

Many of you know I used to do Anna/Mama Time and Ellie/Mommy Time with my girls. It’s special one-on-one time for just the two of us. I learned about this from Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions. She refers to the undivided, uninterrupted, one-on-one time as “Mind, Body, Soul Time” but encourages parents to name it something more personal and meaningful to their family. My kids absolutely loved this! They cherished it, and always looked forward to it.

Recently, I hadn’t been doing it. Why? No particular reason; I just wasn’t making it a priority. But I should have been! My relationships and parenting took a hit when it ceased, so I’ve started it back up again.

As my girls have gotten older, it’s become less about playing Barbies and building Legos together. Now, it’s about shopping together, walking, talking or roller skating together, having dance parties, or lying in bed at night for extended periods beyond prayer time for girl talk.

Whatever your kids love to do, be sure to carve out time to do it with them.

3. Praise

Third, I’ve been working to improve not only what I say but how I say it. I noticed myself being critical at times. I noticed yelling increasing as my stress-levels increased. And much of my conversation with my girls was more of a to-do list, like “go do this, pick up that,” rather than words that create a connection or encourage them to be their best. That bothered me. A lot. I knew adjustments were needed on my part.

In the past, I’ve left sticky notes with encouragement and positive phrases for them on their mirrors or bedroom doors. If you’ve followed my blog long enough, you know we also have a “Mom says…” jar in which they can pull out phrases, encouragement, words of wisdom, and rules to live by. But they needed more from me, and I wasn’t always forthcoming with praise.

That has changed now, and the results are amazing! I now look for positive behaviors or characteristics to praise. Just like the Bible says: When you seek, you find. I’m now quick to call things out when I see them and to encourage more of the behavior I want – like making mature and responsible choices, for example.

“Seek and you shall find” — Matthew 7:7

In addition, I’ve recently started something else that’s having great results. My oldest relishes the small praises I’m giving her, but she feels awkward if I get too mushy or longwinded. So recently, I started sending text messages to her iPhone after she’s gone to bed. In the texts, I state what I noticed her doing well that day. Or I state what I appreciated about her behavior or attitude. Other times, I call out her talents that I’m starting to see emerge and strengthen.

When she wakes in the morning, that message of appreciation and praise greets her and starts her day on a positive note. (I believe she also likes it because it feels like a special, secret conversation between just her and I.) What I love is that she can look back on previous texts as often as she likes to be reminded of my love, praise, and encouragement.

At the ages my kids are now, I’m striving to become more of an advocate and ally. I want them to have positive word tracks to replay in their heads so that even when they don’t believe in themselves, they know mom believes in them.

How you praise and encourage kids is of little importance; find whatever method works for you! It’s more important to ensure you’re doing it. For me, it didn’t come naturally, and it took some work to make it a habit. If that’s you, or if you’ve forgotten to make positive affirmations a priority, I encourage you to start again.

4. Protect

Fourth, we all want our kids to be safe. Safety is critical to their health and well-being. But I’m talking about more than just locking your doors at night or buckling them into car seats each day. I’m finding as my girls get older, I need to work harder to protect their minds, hearts, and souls.

There’s so much evil and darkness in this world. While I don’t want to shield and shelter them to the point of naivety, I do want to protect them from predators and individuals with negative intentions.

This gets harder every day in our digital world of iPhones, apps, social media, and hackers. At any moment, despite our best efforts, strangers can be communicating with our children and sending videos or images we’d never want them to see. It’s our job as parents to be their protectors. And that requires work on our part.

It means researching apps by reading Privacy Policies and Terms of Use legal jargon. While I know that’s not fun, I’ve found myself doing it often lately and growing ever-more uncomfortable with the online world for kids and tweens. It’s forced tough conversations in our house. It’s resulted in several “That’s not fair, all my friends have it” power struggles. But I stand firm. If I don’t protect my kids, who will?

As we move ahead in our journey, and as some of you have already experienced, it will mean knowing who our kids are hanging out with, where they’re going, and what they’re doing. I’m working hard to establish a foundation of trust in these early years and to let my expectations be known. That way, when I’m not there by my girls’ sides to say what is and isn’t okay, they’ll know where I stand, what I expect, and be able to make their own good choices.

5. Prepare

That’s a perfect segue into this last one: preparing our kids for successful futures. I’m passionate about reading and writing so it stands to reason that I’m working hard to ensure my kids do plenty of both. We’ve established a reward system for the summer months to ensure they continue reading books and journaling.

Beyond schoolwork, preparation for the future includes many of the items already discussed: believing in themselves, having confidence in their abilities, making good choices, knowing what mom and dad expect from them, and knowing that God is there to help whenever they need to call on Him.

In addition, we can help expand their worlds and minds by inspiring them to make a difference and encouraging them to help and serve others in meaningful ways. As an example, my oldest daughter had an amazing school teacher last year who showed inspirational YouTube videos on a regular basis.

Whenever I watched the videos with my daughter, they filled me with hope, made me aspire to be and do more, and either left me in awe or in tears as I watched ordinary people do extraordinary things that literally changed lives and had lasting impacts. The 4th graders were similarly inspired. (Thank you, Mrs. S!) We, too, can inspire our kids and share amazing stories and videos to positively influence their lives.

On a more tactical, day-to-day level – but no less important – we also should be asking ourselves: Can they make their beds, do their laundry, cook a meal, start the lawnmower, help with small fix-it jobs, do the dishes? Are they going to be well-prepared for college life and living on their own? What can we do now to ensure their success later as competent, independent individuals?

Creating the life you want – on purpose

For parents wanting to be more intentional with their kids – at any age – these are questions to ponder and areas of focus. The 5 Ps will set you and your kids on a path of success.

“Nothing worth doing is easy.” 

— Theordore Roosevelt

Theodore Roosevelt once said: “Nothing worth doing is easy.” I totally agree. Raising kids is definitely worth doing, and though it will include effort, pain, and difficulty at times, the rewards for those who invest in their children and practice these 5 Ps will be enormous.

Remaining consistent will require effort as these aren’t likely to become automatic habits overnight. I find visual reminders and cues helpful, but put in place whatever will help you be successful. If it feels uncomfortable or hard, that’s okay and that’s to be expected. Some of these behaviors may require you to change.

You may need to spend time reflecting on, and working on, who you are as a parent and role model. Trust me when I say, I know how difficult that can be. But I firmly believe the life we create as a result will be amazing – for ourselves and our kids.

Your turn

How are you Praying, Playing, Praising, Protecting, and Preparing? What have you seen others do or not do that you can learn from? What is working well for you currently and in which of the 5 areas do you have room for growth and improvement?

Each day is a new day. If yesterday you messed up and weren’t at your best, start again today. Kids are very forgiving and full of grace. They will respond to any little changes you make that show them love, acceptance, and belonging in your home and in your heart.

Yours intentionally, Amanda