I grew up in a household where open conversation and dialogue was welcomed. It was how we established trust and a deep sense of unconditional love, acceptance and belonging. My parents welcomed questions and conversations about the hard stuff and the big stuff, but they showed a genuine interest in the little stuff of everyday life, too – and that’s where true connection happens with kids.

Times have changed, and we now live in a digital world in which it often feels like everyone in the household (no matter the age) is behind a screen and uninterested in engaging in conversation. Though it seems that way, that couldn’t be further from the truth. People are still interested in connecting; we just have to be more intentional about making it happen.

From my experience

I’ve found 3 times that are best for true connection with my kids. Times when no screens are present and open conversation and dialogue occur freely and naturally. I welcome these times because I, like my parents, want to let my kids know we have a relationship of trust, they are loved unconditionally, they are accepted, and they belong.

I’m sure as you read about the times that work for our family, you’ll be thinking of special times you have with your kids or grandkids. You might even have others that work for you – that’s awesome!

For others, if you haven’t uncovered these special “best times to connect,” I encourage you to give them a try – especially if there are behavioral issues your kids are struggling with. You’ll be amazed how your relationship with your kids blossoms, and how much more receptive they are to opening up and connecting. You’ll learn so much about them when you spend screen-free, quality time together, show an interest in them, and welcome their thoughts and stories.

What are these 3 best times?

They are:

• Anytime you’re doing activities together
• Dinnertime
• Bedtime

Doing activities together

For me and my oldest daughter, it’s either walking in the evening—just the two of us—or while playing cards.

During these times when we’re spending quality one-on-one time together, my daughter completely opens up and shares stories with me. The other night we were walking together, and I swore she talked for 20 minutes straight without hardly drawing a breath! I just smiled to myself and let her keep talking. She knew she had my attention, and I was interested and undistracted.

I’ve also seen her open up when we play two-way solitaire (a favorite of ours). It’s easy to flip through your cards and keep the game moving while also engaging in conversation. I hear more from my daughter during those card games than at most other times. She shares freely about what’s happening in her world, and I try to listen without judgment and give the best guidance as I casually play the game. We thoroughly enjoy that time for just the two of us (though sometimes

we let the grandmas play, too 😊). Actually, that makes it all the more special.

For you and your kids, this might look different. Maybe it’s basketball in the driveway, fishing beside a quiet body of water, or playing golf together. It might be when you read books together, go shopping together, or bake side-by-side. The activity isn’t important. What matters is the quality time you are carving out to be present, together, and engaging in things you both love – whatever that may be.

Dinnertime

In our house, we have a rule: “No phones at the dinner table.” Mom and dad are the only one’s with phones currently, but our kids are on ours so much it applies to them, too. And, honestly, the rule really should be “no screens at the dinner table” because we also don’t allow iPads, Kindles, or TV while we’re eating dinner.

Dinner as a family is something both my husband and I had when we were growing up, so it’s something we’ve committed to doing for our children. Our moms, both being excellent cooks, made it a point to fix homemade meals either fit for a king or an army – one of the two.

I admit a lot of meals at our house don’t come complete with a meat, potato, vegetable, dinner roll and salad (like our moms’ meals), but we at least make it a point to sit down together and engage in conversation. (Only occasionally does my table look like the picture).

Whether at home or a restaurant (because we do that a lot), we spend time together, and it results in awesome conversation, great stories, laughter and learning.

Both my girls open up during dinner. It’s where we learn about their day, their friends, their interests, their frustrations and more. It’s also a time for them to learn about us. And, without words, the simple act of committing to have dinner together sends a message. It conveys that family is important, that they belong, and that we all make time for one another and show an interest in each other.

Now I know schedules are crazy. Some parents’ jobs don’t allow them to be home for dinner every night, and kids’ activities can interfere with the dinner hour as well. Please don’t feel guilty about this. I’m simply suggesting for those available at dinnertime, the act of coming together can do wonders for building relationships and forming deeper connections. If that’s not possible for your family, there may be other times or other meals (e.g., breakfast or Sunday brunch) you can enjoy together. Make it work for your household.

Bedtime

This has always been one of my favorites. My husband and I trade off each night so we both get to experience bedtime with each child a few times per week. One night, he takes our youngest, while I take the oldest. The next night, we switch. The girls love it.

Once baths (or showers) and the formal bedtime routine are out of the way, we read books and say prayers with our youngest who is 6 years old. Her prayers are so innocent and sweet (and often make us laugh). But talking to God gives her an opportunity to say what’s on her heart, and those tender moments don’t usually arise in the hustle and bustle of the day. It’s only in slowing down and snuggling up that she shares her inner-most thoughts and asks thought-provoking questions of us.

Our oldest, who is currently 9 years old, no longer needs story time with us. She reads on her own now (unless she and I are reading a novel together, such as the Harry Potter series or Nancy Drew books, which we’ve been known to do). But we still do prayer time with her, and we’ve also started building in additional time for conversations.

Bedtime conversations are the best! Especially between mother and daughter. I can’t speak from experience for those of you with boys, but I know I love the heart-to-hearts that can be had between me and my 9-year-old just before she closes her eyes.

For whatever reason, she saves up her most personal stories and embarrassing questions for bedtime. It’s when she’s most comfortable talking about the hard stuff and most receptive to hearing from me or learning from me – what I think, what I value, what I believe. I love it!

My husband, Tom, doesn’t engage in these same conversations with her, but they do have true connection. He is good about giving her compliments and building her self-esteem through affirmations — so powerful for a dad to do. They also bond through the prayers they share and through the funny stories he tells her that make her giggle.

Side note: When the girls were little, Tom made up a character he called Sleepy Susie. The stories about Sleepy Susie left all of us rolling with laughter. Even now, lots of nights our daughters drift off to sleep with a smile on their faces because of dad’s stories – whether true or made up.

Give it a try

If you have young kids or grandkids, you’ve likely experienced time for true connection becoming more limited. If so, I encourage you to be intentional and make time. It’s so worth it, and they so need it. Truth be told, we do too. There’s no replacement for true, in-person, human connection.

There’s so much they want and need to learn from us. And so much they want to tell us – especially when they know they have our undivided attention.

What’s your experience?

Do these 3 times for connection resonate with you and your family? Do you have other times that work really well, too? I’d love to read success stories you’ve had and learn what works well in your home. You know I always enjoy hearing from you. Please leave a comment below or share this post with your own thoughts attached. Many thanks!

Yours intentionally, Amanda