Form the Habit of Reflection

Taking time for reflection is a key to learning. In business, Lessons Learned Meetings are held – or in an Agile business environment they’re called Retrospective Meetings – in which a team reflects on what went well, what could have been handled better/differently, and what was learned. In the military, After Action Reviews are used, in which there is reflection on what happened, why it happened, and what could have been handled better/differently. Regardless of the setting and the specific questions, the premise is the same: reflection leads to improvement, learning and growth.

But I don’t want to talk about business or the military, I want to talk about our personal lives. I started thinking, why can’t we adopt the same behaviors in our homes and family situations? And, of course, we can! It’s truly a habit we should form; a practice we should adopt.

Speaker, author and leadership coach John Maxwell is a huge proponent and advocate for this. In fact, he takes time for personal reflection every day! He reflects on how he intentionally added value to others on a daily basis. That’s something to aspire to; I’m not there yet.

I do, however, like the idea of creating a habit in which we periodically, purposefully slow down and reflect. According to John Maxwell, “Reflection is an intentional stoppage, a deliberate habit that must be cultivated.” I completely agree. If we just keep plowing forward without looking back, we will miss important lessons and growth opportunities.

“Reflection is an intentional stoppage, a deliberate habit that must be cultivated.” — John Maxwell

When should we reflect?

There are natural times when reflection is more top of mind; for example, at year end or when creating New Year’s Resolutions. But we can also make time following traumatic events, stressful periods, or times of transition and change in our lives.

I just came through a pretty trying 40-day period (late Sept. to end of Oct.), which is why I recently spent time reflecting. Now that I’m on the other side, I can look back and think about what went well, what I could have handled better or done differently, and what I learned. The transferrable lesson here is that YOU can do the same.

Let me share my experience so you can begin to contemplate how you might apply reflection to your situation.

My experience

In a recent 40-day period:

  • I was informed of organizational restructuring that affected my job.
  • I had a death in the family, losing an aunt I was close with, and
  • I was studying for a professional certification, which required much of my time and attention.

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Asking for Help Can Be Life Changing

In today’s society, we like to pretend we’ve got life all figured out. We put on a happy face to mask our problems. We appear on the outside as being “put together” though inside we have our struggles. We post images of ourselves and our families on social media that show us at our very best, presenting our good sides and leaving the bad and the ugly hidden from the world.

But the truth is, nobody has it all figured out. We’re all just doing the best we can with the same limited resources – time, money and energy. So what’s the answer? I think we all need to get better at simply asking for help.

Asking for help from others

This is not easy – especially for those who don’t want to appear needy or be seen as dependent on others. However, I’ve come to realize we’ve just got to get over that. A little help from a friend can make a tremendous difference. Let me give you an example from my own life.

My husband works 7am-3pm and leaves the house by 6:30 each morning. He’s worked this shift since before our two kids were born. I start work after 8am, so it’s been my responsibility to get the kids ready for school and drive them across town before I head to the office. The mornings have always been hectic and one of my least favorite parts of the day.

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Our Beliefs Influence Our Actions

We’ve all seen the board sign that says, “She believed she could, so she did,” right?  It makes a nice wall hanging and adds to our décor, but have you ever really thought about that phrase? It’s both accurate and motivating.

Believed she could Board Sign
‘Believed She Could’ Board Sign

I’m learning, through multiple sources, that our beliefs shape our thoughts and emotions, which ultimately determine our actions and behaviors. This makes what we tell ourselves and what we believe extremely important.

My conclusion, of course, is that we need to be intentional about telling ourselves we’ll be successful and believing that we will be. Or telling ourselves that we’re capable and truly believing that we are.

Our beliefs influence our actions

Belief alone is not enough; the other half of the equation is following through and taking necessary actions. However, since beliefs influence our actions, we must first get our thoughts and beliefs solidified.

Our beliefs shape our thoughts and emotions, which ultimately determine our actions and behaviors. This makes what we tell ourselves and what we believe extremely important.

Far too often, we let limiting beliefs about ourselves hold us back from actually achieving what we want in life. We might believe we aren’t good enough or not worthy. Or perhaps we think it’s going to be too hard or that we’ll never be able to change ourselves or our situations.

It’s the difference between having a Growth Mindset and a Fixed Mindset. Believing you are stuck or that your efforts can’t change your life or your current situation, equates to having a Fixed Mindset. But when we believe that our own efforts can make a difference, and that we can change/improve/grow, we have a Growth Mindset. It comes down to what we believe.

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The 3 Best Times for Connection with Kids

I grew up in a household where open conversation and dialogue was welcomed. It was how we established trust and a deep sense of unconditional love, acceptance and belonging. My parents welcomed questions and conversations about the hard stuff and the big stuff, but they showed a genuine interest in the little stuff of everyday life, too – and that’s where true connection happens with kids.

Times have changed, and we now live in a digital world in which it often feels like everyone in the household (no matter the age) is behind a screen and uninterested in engaging in conversation. Though it seems that way, that couldn’t be further from the truth. People are still interested in connecting; we just have to be more intentional about making it happen.

From my experience

I’ve found 3 times that are best for true connection with my kids. Times when no screens are present and open conversation and dialogue occur freely and naturally. I welcome these times because I, like my parents, want to let my kids know we have a relationship of trust, they are loved unconditionally, they are accepted, and they belong.

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The Gap Between Real & Ideal

If you close your eyes and picture your ideal self, what do you see? This was a question I asked myself after completing development training that recommended we close the gap between our real and ideal selves.

Naturally, I pondered the question, and here’s what I took away. Whatever you see in your mind’s eye as your ideal, you can start working to achieve. As you do, you’ll begin closing the gap between who you are today — your real self — and who you want to be tomorrow — your ideal self.

What do you see? 

So how about you? What do you see? Are you 20 lbs lighter? Are you more patient and loving with others? Do you see yourself further along in your career — either at a higher level or making more money? Are you married — happily? Do you see yourself enjoying financial freedom? 

Maybe you’ve already come a long way towards a more ideal state. Praise yourself if you have! Hopefully all of us are striving each day to do better and be better. But there’s a lot that can steal our attention and distract us. That’s why you have to be intentional about it. 

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Creating Space Can Save Relationships & Your Sanity

With the end of the school year fast-approaching and daily routines  changing, you might think I’m talking about creating space in your schedule. The idea of becoming less busy so you have time to focus on the things that really matter; you know, creating “white space” or “margins” as some have coined it. While I think that’s good and valuable, that actually isn’t what this post is about. Rather, the “space” I’m talking about creating is more of a pause – and one that truly can save your relationships and your sanity.

I’ve been learning and reading about this space, or pause, from several sources lately. If you’re a loyal reader, you know I have a passion for sharing what I’ve learned with others in an effort to help them create the lives they want and live more intentionally. So, let me explain what I’ve been learning about “space” in terms of a pause that truly can improve your mental state and your relationships.

Emotional Intelligence – Intercepting thoughts & emotions

Emotional Intelligence 2.0
Emotional Intelligence 2.0

I recently read Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves. I also completed training and a self-assessment on the topic to determine my aptitude, or EQ (emotional quotient); similar to how we all have an IQ (intelligence quotient).

The book and the training were both fabulous and helpful. I highly recommend them. What stuck with me the most was how the Emotional Intelligence gurus explained a natural chain of events that occurs often for all of us. It looks like this:

Event/Trigger >> Thoughts/Emotions >> Reaction/Response

When an event or trigger occurs, you’ll experience thoughts and emotions, which will then cause a reaction or response from you. This chain of events sometimes leaves us feeling powerless and controlled by our thoughts and emotions.

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Why You MUST Expand Your Horizons

The Future Requires It

Do you think your 4-year degree was enough education? Do you think having a Masters or Doctorate under your belt means your education is complete? Think again! Heather McGowan and other forward thinkers are telling us differently. In addition, there are macro trends making it absolutely imperative that we expand our horizons to continue learning and become innovative.

Let me back up and explain

Have you noticed how Artificial Intelligence (AI) and machine learning is already impacting your life? Both are hot topics in the organization where I work (and likely yours, too) as leaders try to determine how AI and machine learning will transform the workplace and the workforce. But it’s not just something that’s coming; some aspects of AI and machine learning are already here and impacting our world more than we may realize.

For example, you’re probably familiar with the fact that Facebook, Instagram and other social media/online platforms gather data about you and your interests — basically learning you — based upon what you click. Then through complex algorithms, they show you more of what you seem to like and want.

social media icons
social media icons

How great is that personalization? We love it, right? In fact, that’s probably why we’re so addicted to our phones. Not only can we find just about anything we want, but we hardly have to work for it. Searches aren’t even really necessary because once you’ve clicked on something, more, similar content will be pushed right to you.

Want an example?

When I was interested in starting a blog, I saw one ad in my Facebook feed for an online blogging course. I clicked to read more about it, and the next few days my newsfeed was inundated with entrepreneurs who had hit it big through blogging, or writing, who now wanted to offer me their online courses as well. It was practically unavoidable!

The more links I clicked, the more content was tailored and pushed right to me. Pretty soon, I found other people, like me, who were in the process of starting a blog or who had gone before and now had lessons learned they were willing to share with newbies.

This is nice, right? I had all the info I could ever want about starting a blog right at my fingertips, and I had like-minded people with similar goals to guide me along the way. It was super helpful, and it took some of the leg work and guess work out of the equation. Who would complain about that?

I’m not complaining per se, but I do want to draw attention to one potential problem: As I became more micro-focused on only the things that interested me, I was losing sight of the macro world around me.

I do want to draw attention to one potential problem: As I became more micro-focused on only the things that interested me, I was losing sight of the macro world around me.

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Pick Your Battles

If you’re a parent, you’ve likely heard the phrase, “Pick your battles.” Typically, it’s the young, new parents who are told this by well-meaning and more experienced parents who have gone before them.

I definitely heard it when my girls were young. Especially after describing how my daughters wished to declare their independence by wearing mismatched clothing to daycare or by refusing to allow me to brush their tangled, bed-rumpled hair.

I had quite a learning curve figuring out how to “let go” and be okay with their less-than-perfect looks. It was difficult since I had been a long-time perfectionist who believed their appearance reflected poorly on me and my parenting. It was not easy to learn; but learn it, I did. And good thing, too.

Now, as my daughters are getting older, it seems the stakes are getting higher, and they’ll only continue to do so.

A must with strong-willed children

Picking your battles is especially important for parents of strong-willed children. The strong wills cause them to go head-to-head on more issues than other children. They tend to be more argumentative and defiant by nature. Rather than fighting about everything under the sun, parents have to choose which issues matter, and which don’t.

That’s been our experience with one of our daughters. So when she recently asked if she could dye a bit of her hair teal, we had to decide if this should be a battle or not.

While I’m sure some will not agree with our decision to allow the teal hair, I want to share how we reached the conclusion to permit it. If it helps one family, it will have been worth sharing.

I also should mention that we consulted the great work of Dr. James Dobson in his recently revised book, The New Strong-Willed Child. I freely admit that parenting is difficult, therefore, I have no trouble deferring to experts for advice and guidance. After all, we want to get it right. These little people are quite special to us.

The New Strong-Willed Child
The New Strong-Willed Child by Dr. James Dobson

Dr. Dobson says parents should approach strong-willed children with a balance of Love and Control and should steer away from becoming angry, oppressive tyrants, or the opposite: passive, permissive, and disengaged parents.

His advice helped us to reach our decision this way:

  1. Show love and acceptance by sharing our beliefs
  2. Put controls in place
  3. Allow something harmless, fun and temporary

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3 Ways to Show Patience

Have you ever prayed for patience and then quickly realized God was simply giving you more opportunities to practice being patient? I have. Patience is something I could use more of – especially in dealing with my kids.

Many parents likely struggle with patience. In our busy lives, when we need uninterrupted time to focus on tasks, stopping every few minutes to provide snacks, answer questions, or break up sibling squabbles can be tiring and frustrating. Refraining from snapping at our littles and reaching the end of our fuses can be a challenge.  It’s something I’m working on, for sure.

In thinking about how I wish I would respond, examples of my dad came flooding into my mind. He passed away in 2013, but his whole life, he was the perfect role model for patience — in both big and small moments.

Me and Dad
Me and Dad

Many who knew him would describe him as laid back, fun loving, easy going, and possessing a great sense of humor. All of that is true, and I would also add: kind, gentle, full of unconditional love, and patient.

There are three lessons we can probably all learn from my dad when it comes to showing patience to others. They are:

  • Place people above things
  • Look for opportunities to teach rather than scold
  • Approach conversations with unconditional love

Let me share two examples that illustrate all three of these lessons.

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Do What Scares You – Here’s How

Scrolling through my Facebook feed, I saw this quote: “Do what scares you.” I stopped to reflect on the advice. It resonated with me because I’m on the verge of doing something new, something exciting, yet something a little scary for me.

Let’s face it, any unknowns in our lives can be scary. Fear of the unknown is a very real thing. I’m sure you experience it from time to time, too. Yet, to live an intentional life in which we make things happen for ourselves, and we create opportunities, we mustn’t let fear hold us back.

To be clear, I’m not talking about skydiving, mountain climbing, or hang gliding — unless you feel passionately you need to do those things. I’m talking more about applying for that new job, starting your own business, calling that specific someone for a date, taking on a stretch assignment at work, or having difficult conversations with your children, spouse, or coworkers. Basically, those things of everyday life that have the power to paralyze us.

So what are we to do? How do we overcome our fear?

3 Steps to Overcoming Fear:

I think there are 3 things we can do; and believe me, I’m taking my own advice here.

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Creating the Life You Want – On Purpose